Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots
by Silverdancer
Summary: Naruto is a lost soul, dreaming of Ramen and Sakura. But for his birthday before the Genin exams Iruka gives him a present... a book, filled with advice for Shinobis. Will this change Naruto's life? Naruto centric. Discontinued due to BIGASS plot holes.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Wow, I haven't written a single fanfiction for soooooo long! Well, that is going to stop right away. Sorry for all those people who liked "UN, SP", but I had to take it away... ( It was like a stain on my brain, because it had such flaws. I really hope you guys can forgive me for reading sub-par entertainment.

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 1

"Wh-a-at?" Naruto said, looking disgruntled as he unwrapped the plain plastic covering the slim object. Well, it was less 'unwrapped' and more like 'tore', actually. "'Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots'? _That's_ your idea of a good birthday present!"

"Don't dismiss this book before you check it out, Naruto… it's really quite good!" Iruka exclaimed, patting the boy's spiky yellow hair. "I went to another town to get it, and this was the last book left on the shelves, you know… Hmm. Rather coincidental, that, since the stock had just been renewed." Iruka mused.

The two were at Ichiraku's, a semi-famous Ramen Bar near the central area of Konohagakure, celebrating Naruto's twelfth birthday – it was only a few more weeks to the Genin exam, and both were quite anxious, though for quite different reasons.

Iruka was anxious because he hoped for the best, for Naruto, and yet he knew the blond-haired Genin-to-be (well, hopefully, in any case) would have to train hard indeed if he wanted to have any chance at passing. '_His Jutsus, to be frank, are downright terrible,'_ Iruka thought with a touch of despair. _'At this rate, he'll probably have to stay in the Academy for another 2 years, at least!'_

On the other hand, Naruto was anxious because the noodles he'd ordered hadn't come yet, and he really was quite hungry.

The Ichiraku Ramen Bar was no lavish palace – it was just a stall set on the side of the road, with only a flimsy waterproof cloth supported with wooden poles to protect the stall's customers' heads from the ravages of Nature. A line of hard, wooden stools – no more than ten – were set just in front of the stall, comfortably under the protection of the half-tent.

At the moment, the temperature was comfortable, cool but not too cold. Dressed in his orange jumpsuit, Naruto sighed in contentment when the noodles finally came. The chef's daughter, a rather pretty girl, set the bowl on the table with a clack of plastic, smiling as she did so. "Happy birthday, Naruto! My father says to tell you that this is on the house, as thanks for being such a loyal customer. He also put extra ingredients in, so enjoy yourself!"

"Really?" Naruto's eyes grew large and moist. "That's so nice of him! Ramen is my most favourite food, ever! Thanks a lot!" he cheered. She smiled and walked back, humming as she went to attend to another customer. As she left, Naruto held his hands above the bowl of noodles, rubbing his hands together happily as the steam moistened his palms. Chopsticks flashed, and in an instant, half his bowl had vanished into thin air – or Naruto's stomach, as the case was. Glancing to his right, he saw Iruka gazing blankly into space.

"Ne, Iruka-sensei… why aren't you eating your noodles? You don't like it? Well, I'll help you finish-" Naruto added helpfully, before Iruka realized what was going on.

"NO!" With great speed, Iruka snapped his chopsticks just in time to fend off Naruto's approaching ones. "It's mine!" Sighing, Iruka shook his head. "I was just thinking… do you want to become a better ninja, Naruto?"

Naruto sighed with disappointment at failure to attain Iruka's noodles, but brightened up considerably when he turned to his own. However, a frown crossed his face at Iruka's question. "Well…" Naruto pondered, swirling his ramen around. "Of course I do! It's just that sometimes I'm not sure of stuff… or, you know, I don't really…"

"Don't really listen in class?" Iruka asked rhetorically, after swallowing a mouthful of hot noodles. "Yeah, I gathered. Just… promise to read the book carefully, okay? The bookshop owner assured me it was great stuff."

"Uh… okay, I guess." With that, the hyperactive ninja dug in and demolished the rest of his meal. "Mmm, that's good! Another bowl! My friend here's paying for me, so ya don't have to worry!" he shouted to the chef as he raised his bowl up. The old man nodded solemnly back.

"Yes, Ichiraku's _does_ have the best… hey!" Iruka protested.

Later that day, back in Naruto's apartment, the blond boy opened the book and flopped on his bed. "I guess if Iruka-sensei tells me to read it, it can't be too bad…" Naruto muttered. Turning to the front page, the boy read the words contained therein.

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots 

**Are you:**

**A failure at ninja classes?**

**Almost a dropout?**

**Determined to become better?**

**Do you: **

**Suck at all things ninja?**

**Find your peers laughing at you missing your target during shuriken practice by a mile, or failing to perform even a simple Jutsu completely?**

**Well then, you've bought the right book! This guide is determined to teach you how to succeed in all your adventures where Ninja skills are concerned!**

'_Hmm. Well, I'm definitely not an idiot! I'm NOT!'_ Naruto yelled in the recesses of his mind. _'But,'_ he conceded, _'I might have a little trouble with some stuff the Academy teaches…'_

So saying, the Genin-in-training flipped to the next page. He spent the whole of that day absorbed in the book, never noticing the time passing by.

The next day, Naruto was woken up by the first, orange-red beam of slanting light of the morning blaring onto his face between a ragged hole in his curtains. Not that they were very high quality curtains in the first place, but Naruto felt slightly dismayed at it. It was like his whole apartment was going to pot (which it was, actually – second-hand goods can only get you so far)…

"Stupid curtains! Waking me up so darn early in the morning… what's the best ninja in Konohagakure and the future Hokage to do?" Naruto complained. His apartment often got lonely, and he had learnt that filling it up with idle chatter the next best thing to having another person in the house. It was startlingly obvious that Naruto lived alone. There was only one of everything, after all; one chair, one bed, one table, one – admittedly old - fridge (that in itself had been a luxury; Naruto had gotten it from a junkyard, deposited there by some rich, elderly man) and so on and so forth.

However, that empty, practically derelict apartment might have led you to believe that Naruto was antisocial, or that he was a stooge, the sort of person who goes straight home after work and complains bitterly about going out on Saturdays or Sundays. That would be the gravest of mistakes, for the blond was anything _but_.

He lived, breathed and ate social contact; he was the kind of person who would shout and wave his hand in the air to volunteer at those awkward magic shows that everyone expects the world of but are sadly disappointed at the end of it. He was also the kind of person who had no qualms of broadcasting his own opinions, no matter how controversial, to the whole world making sure that everyone heard it.

However, you would also be most seriously mistaken if you thought that he was the life of the party, the golden boy who everyone laughed not _at_, but _with_. For that was not the case. For some obscure reason, Naruto was the target of extreme dislike by all the villagers. Perhaps the target of hate, even.

Naruto was – quite understandably – very confused by all this, though in truth it really didn't take that much to confuse him in the first place. He was also very hurt, but usually he forgot the 'hurt' part after a bowl or two of piping hot ramen straight from the pot. He didn't mind the Instant Cup variant either. It was probably all he ate.

After brushing his teeth – something the perky ninja did very carefully, as he always did since the day he heard the chef of Ichiraku's saying stoutly that he would refuse service to anyone with rotting teeth, because it disgusted him to think of all that stuff on the chopsticks and bowls of the place – Naruto hummed, skipping along to the kitchen where he opened a cupboard and whisked a plastic container out.

As he did so, however, his eyes bugged out. "Only… only two left," he mumbled, almost disbelievingly. "Kami-sama, I've got to get more money from the old guy before I starve to death." With that, he turned away, closing the cupboard using the back of his hand, with a sort of comfortable ease that took years of living in and getting used to a particular environment to achieve.

As he ate, he pondered about the book Iruka-sensei had given him. The first ten pages had been a pointless tirade about training, its good points, its bad points (which the book said it had none) and the fact that training gave you large muscles that everyone liked.

Naruto was quite alarmed at the end of that. "What the…? Iruka-sensei, what have you done, wasting your money on this when you could have bought me ramen!" he thought despairingly, though he _did_ rather fancy the thought of having bulging muscles. He read on, somewhat more cautiously.

**It is ideal** **that Taijutsu should be practiced first. This is for a few reasons, most important of which is that Taijutsu further conditions one's body to incredible extremes (such as noted in pg. 235 describing the infamous 'Iron Head' Yamaka, the Hidden Stone Jounin who could break wood, bone and stone through repeated focus of training on his skull). Though one may focus more on the other parts of Shinobi, if one's body is not sufficiently sturdy to receive more than one or two blows from anyone with basic Taijutsu training, it is definite that one will, inevitably, fail.**

**Also, once you train in other areas of the Shinobi, you may not want to return to the more basic, painful and grueling exercises that Taijutsu is made of.**

**  
Taijutsu is the only one of the three areas in Shinobi that can only be gained through hard work. The advanced techniques cannot be copied without grievious injury to the copier in question unless the copier has already mastered the techniques leading up to that point. This is why many Shinobi prefer to master this section rather than go for Ninjutsu and Genjutsu, as history is full of the many Shinobi who have fallen to those who copy their techniques better than themselves (for more information on one such individual, refer to pg. 85-87, under section "Famous Ninjas", subsection "Konoha", topic "Copy-Nin Kakashi").**

**Taijutsu also helps in building Chakra capacity, and as such is a logical stepping stone before doing advanced Ninjutsu.**

"Eh," grunted Naruto. "Whatever. My head hurts. I'll just go train." With that, he strode off, leaving the book open and on the dining table, next to a desolate ramen cup, with the gently swirling soup inside filled with lost dreams and preservatives.

END CHAPTER 1

A/N: So, whaddaya think? Remember, REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! Thank you. It really does make me happy, ya know. Hate it? Review. Love it? Review. Don't give a damn? Review too. A simple "ROFL" or "nice" or "lol! Woot!" is fine. Also, I love all pairings - NarutoxSakura and NarutoxIno aren't my favourites, but I don't mind. I do, however, like NarutoxTemari and NarutoxSasuke (I have nothing against Yaoi, if you wondered. In fact, I rather like it). I WILL NOT, however, do kinky 'lil things like NarutoxOrochimaru or something like that. I repeat, this is a NARUTOCENTRIC fic, and as such, might feature other minor parings but will mostly be NarutoxMysteryPerson. Now, who this mystery person is, is UP TO YOU. Yes, that's right. You get a choice! YAY! Well, go ahead - guess what? To use it, you're gonna have to review. (I smirk). Ain't that cunning of me? Well, get to it, then! State the pairing you want, and then any comments about my fanfic. Reviews make me work faster!

SD


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the enthusiastic reviews for last chapter! I really appreciate them… Well… Hmm. I hope you guys like this chapter too. Always remember to review more – I like t3h reviews! Anyway… on with the show.

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 2

"HyaaaaaAAA!" Naruto screamed as he slammed his leg into the straw dummy's head, making the inanimate object fly backwards and snap, the force of his kick ripping the "skin" of the "head". With a nasty tearing noise, the cloth that in a previous life had been a potato sack released its contents - straw and grass. They showered the boy with plant matter, but he didn't mind - it smelled quite good, like a spring that had gone old, musty but at the same time full of life.

Panting with exertion, the blond boy gave a little cheer before sinking to the ground, sweat pouring down his forehead. '_Yes! I finally broke the stupid thing!_' he thought, tired but triumphant. "Ha-HAH!" the boy gloated out loud, to no-one. He'd found that very little people he knew came to train in the afternoons, except the Genins... but they somehow tended to avoid him, clustering in their own groups. Though Naruto couldn't help but feel hurt, he thought upon retrospect that it wasn't that bad. "I get to use this place all by myself! A future Hokage should be given the space he needs, after all!" he said loudly. "And, I guess they have to train too, and since they're all older than me... I see! I see!" he said, nodding to himself.

It had been a week since he'd gotten the present from Iruka-sensei. '_I've been doing what the book told me to,' _he thought, _'but it's actually getting kinda easy. Pretty soon I'll be able to move on to the next level… and then the next… and then! I'll finally be able to beat Sasuke into the ground, the proud idiot! And then, I can beat Kiba…' _So lost in pleasant daydreams, Naruto sighed happily and lay down upon the fragrant green. He shifted his head until he found a satisfactory position where no errant tufts of grass were poking his head, and wondered just why he hadn't started training seriously earlier.

The training grounds were really quite pretty. Lush, green grass carpeted the area for as far as the eye could see - the main city was a mile or so away, linked to the training rounds via a path on the outskirts of the Hidden Leaf Ninja Academy. Trees, with their thick, smooth trunks and overlapping branches, were in abundant supply; the entire area was shady, and pleasant to be in. The area was also quite windy, and when resting as Naruto was currently, one suddenly realized all of these factors and went back to training happy that he had such a nice place to train, and proud of Konohagakure. At least, that was how Naruto felt.

The particular clearing Naruto was in was quite large, and there were a line of dummies similar to the one Naruto had just busted. A few villagers came by every night to replace the dummies, and so the training grounds were quite well maintained.

Taijutsu wasn't Naruto's strong point (not that anything was, really), but lately, it seemed that it had been getting better, all of which was due to the extra time he spent training every day. Now, the Genin exam might still be quite far off - but! It was still quite tough. He thought he had a pretty good chance of passing the taijutsu component pretty well, though.

Of course, he had this all thanks to Iruka-sensei. Recalling just how Iruka had managed to turn Naruto about so startlingly was one of Naruto's favourite pastimes - he really, really wished that the elder Chuunin had given the present earlier. Perhaps, then, he might have been able to actually beat that stupid Sasuke... or maybe he might have been able to attract the attention of the gorgeous Sakura-chan. Then he would really prove that he wasn't the worst ninja in the whole class. "Iruka-sensei really is very nice..." Naruto said to himself. "I know! I know! Maybe... if I save up enough from the weekly allowance the old man gives me, I can treat him to ramen! Though," he grumbled, "Iruka-sensei really can afford that for himself..."

Closing his eyes, the hyperactive little shinobi sighed happily again, already imagining the godly taste of the sinfully silky noodles sliding down his throat, the broth-like soup made up of so many spices and herbs... ramen had to be what everyone got every day in heaven. It was that good. Naruto was so caught up in his thoughts that he never heard the footsteps approaching, as leather sandals crunched on dry grass to give off a crackling noise.

"Hey, dobe. What're you doing here, and why are you drooling?" he heard someone say. Opening an eye, he glared angrily at the intruder.

'Sasuke!' Naruto thought. A tall, pale youth with striking black hair all in spikes and falling around the fringes of his face, Sasuke was the top of the class - and Naruto's eternal enemy. One would think that the top of the class and the class clown (and almost permanent failure, though he'd been doing better as of late) would be unlikely enemies, especially when you factored in that one was quiet, dark, and brooding, and the other was... well, as extroverted as you could get. He leapt to his feet and prepared to retort.

"Dammit, bastard, don't call me that!" he replied hotly. "And I was NOT drooling!" However, the blond boy was somewhat doubtful of his claim, and quickly wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his orange jumpsuit.

"I will. And you were. Why are you training here..." the brunette glanced at the straw dummy, "...since I've absolutely no information that has led me to believe that you paid any attention in school or cared anything about becoming a Genin?"

Dammit! How the heck did that bastard manage to sound so calm and cool! Naruto fumed angrily about the matter, quickly trying to think up a witty reply. Unfortunately, the blond's brain, which wasn't very sharp in the first place due to lack of use and had already been trying to cope with Naruto's sudden burst of intellectual usage, struggled to deliver a satisfactory answer - the operative term being "struggled".

"I care more about becoming a Genin than you could know about or care to know!" he blurted. Hmm. That hadn't sounded half bad! He mentally gave his brain a pat on the back. He followed it up with the burning ambition that had haunted him since he had, as a child, seen the looks of pure respect and adoration the people gave the Third. "And one day... though you may not believe me... I'll be Hokage!"

"Yeah, whatever." Sasuke rolled his eyes. The boy wore clothes that were blue, a deep blue that was not unlike the colour water became when you were about a mile down from the surface. Or so Naruto imagined. A pair of white shorts completed the outfit, and the Uchiha had a backpack casually slung onto his back. "So. Move over, and let me train here." Sasuke stated calmly.

"What!" the blond's anger suddenly overflowed, not unlike fizzy sodas that bubbled over the top when you poured them into cups too fast. "No way, you bastard! I was here first!"

They stared at each other, Naruto's almost crystal-like bright blue eyes boring their way into Sasuke's dark, liquid ones. "So?"

"So I have the right to this place, dammit!"

Finally, after a few seconds that seemed like minutes, Sasuke looked away, to Naruto's surprise. The youth relaxed his face, his expression turning into one of confusion.

"Okay," Sasuke shrugged. "I'll go somewhere else." As he prepared to leave, Naruto suddenly felt unsure, his anger boiling away. Sasuke was the first one who hadn't treated him like that just because... just because he was him; he treated everyone like that. Which actually wasn't very nice. '_But…_' Naruto thought.

"Hey, you moron. I didn't mean it like that." Naruto's voice called, rougher but somehow soft. "There's a lot of space over here; you can use the dummies to the left, and I can use the ones here."

The brunette paused, stopping in his tracks. Then he turned around, a arrogant look in his eyes, and a smirk on his face. "Who cares? I don't need to train near a dobe like you anyway. It might affect my performance." With that, he continued on his way."

'WHAT!' the quick-tempered blond thought, furious. "Why, you... dammit, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A FIGHT!" he yelled, swinging a finger at him like he was going to kill him with the velocity of it. His mood quickly changed, from semi-peaceful to roaring angry.

The brunette snorted, raising a hand to stop whatever protests the blond might have. "Save it. You're so weak right now, it wouldn't even be a challenge to utterly beat you into the ground."

"Like real! Teme... take this, you pompous ass!" Naruto snarled, dashing towards his rival, arm coiled back in preparation for a devastating punch... if it had landed.

The Uchiha bent down, letting his opponent's fist pass harmlessly over his back, barely touching it. Naruto cursed angrily as he realized that his lower body was now open to attack, and tried to twist his body, shielding himself with his hip. Unfortunately for him, Sasuke, with incredible speed, grabbed his foot and pushed up, taking a few quick steps forward.

Overbalanced, Naruto could only flail about while yelling incoherently. "Let go of me! Argh!"

The brunette, clearly with the advantage, lifted up the leg with his left hand to the very top, until Naruto was practically doing a vertical split. "Ow, ow, owww! Hey, put me down! You moron! Let's see you deal with this!" the loud-mouthed ninja lifted up his other foot and kicked his opponent across the face, not unlike what he had done earlier to his dummy, then quickly lifted up his arms to protect his body as Sasuke, reeling back in pain, dropped him. He fell with a thump on the ground, but cushioned by the grass, he quickly recovered.

"You hit me," the dark-haired boy said, his face going even paler.

Naruto snorted in derision, flipping back onto his feet. "Scared of a little contact, Sasuke-chan? Looks like you made the wrong choice when you decided to be in the Academy and be a ninja. Just go home and cry, if you're so devastated over this. Nyah, nyah!" the prankster sneered, making a slightly frightening face he appeared to think of as taunting.

"You're dead last, and you hit me," Sasuke repeated, in shock that rapidly turned to anger. "Damn you, I'll show you what true skills are," he said grimly. "Let's see you laugh after this!" So saying, he almost flew towards Naruto, his speed was so great.

Before Naruto could react, he felt two powerful blows in his stomach. He doubled over in pain as Sasuke followed it up with a lashing kick to his gut. Falling to his knees, Naruto barely had a moment of respite before the brunette backhand-slapped him in the face, sending him back onto the ground. Bruised and injured, the blond managed to struggle to his feet, to see a scornful Sasuke looking down on him.

"Next time, practice more before you even think of challenging me... about ten years or so of practice." With that, the brunette turned on his heel and stalked off. Unseen by him, Naruto fell onto the grass, panting heavily.

It was a while before he regained his normal status. 'Dammit, dammit, dammit! I can't believe I lost... again! Of course, I actually got a hit on him this time... which was more than I could say the last time. Oh well.' So thinking, the ninja rose wearily and walked to a tree that he leaned on before sliding slowly to the floor. "You won't win next time, Sasuke-bastard!" he muttered to himself. At least, not if Naruto had anything to do with it...

"What did Iruka-sensei tell me again..? I should 'analyze the fight', whatever that means. Stupid Iruka-sensei, always talking in riddles... there wasn't that much to look at anyway, all I could see was a blur before I got hit," the perky little ninja grumbled. "I suppose that kinda means I should improve my speed... how, though?" he frowned, struggling with it. "Iruka-sensei should definitely know... I'll go ask him, then." This having been decided in Naruto's mind, the blond stood up determinedly, and took off at a running pace for the Ninja Academy.

END CHAPTER 2

A/N: Ah, Naruto and Sasuke have clashed. Naruto is the loser; will he remain so for long? Or will Sasuke forever be a step ahead?

BTW, by your votes, I have seen these results:

NaruSasu – 3

NaruTemari – 2 (Awww…)

NaruIno – 1

NaruSaku – 2

NaruTen – 2

NaruHeckLottaGirls – 1 (OO) (OO) (wtf?)

NaruHina – 0 (Whoa! Surprising, that.)

And one vote for: NotYaoi + NotHinata. So… continue to vote! There'll probably be about 1 chapter more before romance kicks in, so hurry up! I need time to gear my fanfic towards a certain pairing, so…

And I support NaruTemari! Since I'm the author, that makes it NaruTemari – 99999! Nah, I'm not that evil. So… vote away.

SD


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Here's the THIRD CHAPTER! God, I'm hard working. Worship me.

Holy crap! 70 reviews! That's… a lot.

As always, though, REVIEWS are welcomed and hankered for. You wouldn't deny a poor little author like me my Review Cravings, would ya? (puppy dog eyes)

Also… okay, look at it this way. **I** am writing this fic. Therefore, everything is my decision. If I decide to stop writing this fanfiction, there's nothing you can do, is there?

That being said… threatening me by saying that you won't read it isn't going to work.

Thank you.

Enough babbling. Here's the fic!

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 3

In no time at all - for Naruto was an extremely fit boy, even by ninja standards - the youth reached the building. Grinning to himself, he barged through the simple, green swinging doors of the back entrance to the Ninja Academy. Once he was inside, though, he slowed down. The building had a comforting, homey look, what with its wooden floors and white walls and ceiling, stained slightly gray by the bustle and hustle of everyday life. Footsteps echoed everywhere, and sunlight filtered in through translucent curtains as the sun happily shone away on Konohagakure. It had a warmth to it that Naruto's own apartment lacked, and Naruto - to be honest - loved it.

Walking to the office where he knew Iruka-sensei would be, struggling with a mound of paperwork, he threw open the door and strode in. "Iruka-sensei!" he called, dragging on the last syllable.

"I'm here, Naruto. What is it?" the familiar head of his teacher - and, Naruto felt, almost older brother - popped up in one of the many gridded cubicles. "I'm kind of busy, you know."

"Oh... Well, if you're that busy, then... sorry." Naruto grinned sheepishly and prepared to back out of the room.

"Nah, it's okay. So, why'd you come?" Iruka-sensei was an honest-looking man, with strong features - he had a nice face, all curves and no sharp points, that made people instinctively want to trust him. A scar across the bridge of his nose caught the eye and drew people to him, and his hair - looking somewhat like an errant bush sticking straight up - also caught attention.

"Well... you know, I was just sparring with Sasuke, and he beat me pretty badly... but that was only because he got lucky!" he defended.

"Yeah, I figured, you looked pretty beat-up." Iruka frowned for a moment, before his normally cheery look came back. "Well then... what brings you here? You still haven't answered me, you know..."

"Ehehe... I know, I know! I was just getting to it. Well... I've been training like the book you gave me said, and I think I've improved a little... but Sasuke still beat me bad, dammit! I want to get faster! A new Jutsu wouldn't hurt, too," the youth added the last somewhat plaintively.

"Hmm, you want to get faster, you say? Well... besides training more, I don't really..." Iruka said thoughtfully.

"Well, the book said something about training weights…?" Naruto wondered out loud.

"Ah, I see! Yes, the school has quite a store of weights. I'll go get them now – stay here!" Iruka called over his shoulder as he walked off.

The Genin-in-training fidgeted around, his naturally vibrancy expressing itself in little, jerky movements the blond made. "I can't wait, I can't wait! Finally, a way to get a lot better than Sasuke!" Standing up, he paced around for what felt like a lifetime before Iruka came back.

"You got them?" Naruto asked excitedly.

"Yep!" Iruka smiled. Iruka withdrew a few things that looked like belts or sashes of some kind, with a pouch in the middle and two strips of cloth that could stick to each other at either end.

Naruto nearly fell over. "So… so many?" he said hollowly, looking somewhat dubious.

"Oh, come on, they're really useful!" Iruka insisted. "Here, I'll help you put them on. First, you've got to strip down."

"Wha-a-t!" Naruto yelped. "But... but..."

"Oh, come on, it's not like there's anyone here or anything..." Iruka rolled his eyes. "Unless you're so ashamed of your own body?"

Naruto bristled at the implied insult, before he saw the laughter in Iruka's eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I know you're just trying to get me naked, that's all..." he muttered back, smiling a little.

"That's a good boy. Now, two go around your wrists and ankles, and there's one here that goes around your waist... and then that one there goes around your upper forearms, and then these little ones go around your fingers..."

"No way! If I put that much weights on me, I'd probably be too heavy to move! Stuuuuuupid," Naruto, who was by this time bug-eyed at the masses of weights, sticked out his tongue at Iruka.

"Well... I suppose you wouldn't be able to deal with them anyway." Iruka conceded.

"What's that supposed to mean!"

"They're just too much for you to handle, aren't they?" the Chuunin mused.

"Hey!"

"Even though the best ninjas all have them, I guess you could find your own way to strength..."

"Gimme those weights!" Naruto demanded. Iruka handed them, barely covering his laughter, and watched as the blond student struggled to pull all of them on.

When he was done, the youth looked like he was going to die.

"Are...are you sure all the best ninjas wear them...?" Naruto gasped, his face turning a tinge of purple from the effort, as he tried to stand up.

"Yep! The Yondaime, for one, and Gai-sensei - he's a most respected Jounin - and lots of others!" Iruka said cheerfully.

"Thanks a lot, Iruka-sensei... I'll be the best n-ninja ever, you-you'll see…" Naruto said weakly as he prepared to stumble home.

"Remember, don't take them off! You'll get used to them in a while!" Iruka called after his favourite student, with a smile on his face.

When Naruto finally made it back to his apartment (the stairs had _really _been hell) it was all Naruto could do to make himself a Cup Ramen before sinking into a chair. He sighed blissfully as he relished the sensation of finally not having to rely on his own two feet to keep himself up, only to be rather rudely jerked from his reverie when the wooden chair – already flimsy with age – broke under his new weight.

"Owww!" he cried in pain and shock, wincing as a splinter drove itself into his butt. He spent the next ten minutes picking bits and pieces of sharp wood out of his rear, a feat not at all helped by the fact that 2-kilogram weights were attached to his fingers. More than once, he had to use his other hand to steady the one picking out the pieces, it was shaking so bad.

At the end of it, he groaned in pain and exhaustion, cradling his right hand – the one he had used, mainly – and resting his head against the wall.

'_Stupid Iruka-sensei… stupid, stupid stupi-'_ "OW!" Naruto exclaimed out loud as he accidentally banged his elbow against a table leg. Mumbling angrily to himself about irresponsible teachers who never told you about the side effects of weight training, he dragged himself to his room and had barely enough strength left in his poor, abused body to pull himself onto his bed and roll over before falling asleep immediately.

Naruto had owned that bed for all of his life; the covers were frayed at the ends, and the bed sheets were more than a little worn. It was quite a hard bed, and yet not very steady – the springs creaked ominously as Naruto settled in comfortably, and the bouncy ninja was more than a little alarmed. _'But,'_ he reflected, _'thank god it didn't break like that lousy chair, and I think this is the most comfortable I've ever been!'_ the last he thought somewhat cheerfully, if tiredly. He thought triumphantly that in a few days he would probably be able to move on. The Taijutsu training was no where near where he wanted it to be, but he could already feel himself getting stronger, as his body adjusted to the weights. Trembling, he brought his hands up to snuggle into his pillow. The feat was a tad easier than when he had pulled out the wooden splinters, and within seconds he succumbed to the sweet darkness of slumber.

"What's with him?"

"Is he alright?"

"Should we tell Iruka-sensei?"

Mutters filled the wide corridor as a slightly pale looking Naruto limped his way towards the classroom. _'Just… Just a little bit more…'_ he thought somewhat desperately as he felt his whole body's muscles burning as they strained to transport Naruto to the class. Just as he thought his calves were going to snap, he reached the door. Leaning against it, he gulped and gasped as he tried to replenish his body's spent oxygen supply, almost sagging against the doorframe.

Sakura glanced up from where she was (which was wrapped around the arm of a certain Uchiha) and scoffed at the bright orange figure hanging onto the doorway. "Hey, Sasuke-kun? Look at that stupid Naruto! Looking so tired just from walking here… what a loser."

Sasuke started. He had been tuning out the babble of the multitude of fan-girls crowding around him. The chatter always made his head hurt. But…

"Did you say something about Naruto?" Sasuke fixed his emotionless gaze onto Sakura, whose face lit up with joy once she realized that Sasuke was actually paying attention to her for once.

"Yes! Yes! I was just saying about how weak he is… look at him in the doorway! His face is nearly purple, and I passed him earlier today, he wasn't even running!" Sakura happily burbled on.

'_Weak?'_ he thought, frowning. "He's stronger than you are."

"Yes, of course, Sasuke-kun! He definitely… huh?" Sakura looked slightly confused. "But… Sasuke-kun… surely…"

"We sparred. He managed to hit me. I have not had the chance to spar with you before, but from what I've seen…" his gaze turned about five degrees colder. "He's way above you. You have no right to say that he's weak."

Sakura wilted visibly, her face falling. "I… I…" then, abruptly, she stood up, turned, and walked away. Sasuke thought he heard a sob. But that was not what suddenly concerned him.

What concerned him was… that he had actually…

For a second…

Defended Naruto. Sure, the insult had been completely undeserved, but…

Shaking off that fact, he decided resignedly that if he had chased that annoying pink-haired girl away, it was probably worth showing an emotion or two.

He turned and stared at Naruto, as his lean frame sagged and hunched as he sucked in air. Sweat stained his orange jumpsuit, a dark fan spreading out from the top of his back bearing witness to his exertion.

Narrowing his gaze, the brunette detected some hard bulges around his body… was the dobe actually…?

Nah, it couldn't be. He was so lazy; he probably wouldn't even train for the Genin exam. Sasuke ignored the nagging voice in his head saying that he was not fair, because he knew (even if he didn't want to) that Naruto had been catching up by leaps and bounds.

He _had_ to train harder. That was the only way he would get good enough to defeat Itachi.

And that was all that mattered.

Hinata trembled like a leaf in the wind. Like a tiny, miniscule leaf in hurricane winds, whipping around and around in circles and spirals…

And she was not exaggerating.

Uzumaki Naruto (she nearly blushed just thinking his name) was sitting next to her!

Yeah, maybe it had been because he was so tired that he could only get to the seat farthest back of the class (which Hinata always sat at, because… well, because!) and maybe he was sleeping, but…

He was the cutest guy she had ever seen.

Hyuuga Hinata was, you see, something of a freak among her age group of girls. Not in the "whoa, look at her, ha ha ha!" way, but in the "what's with her?" way. This was because of one reason alone.

She did _not _like Uchiha Sasuke.

She did not even find him remotely attractive.

All her life, she had known nothing but the cold, impersonal glances and nods of her family.

And Uchiha Sasuke reminded her almost uncomfortably of her father.

Her mother she never knew, or at least never remembered. She had died when Hinata was eight months old. A vague recollection of warm hands and soft skin was all.

Uzumaki Naruto was _so_ different.

He practically shone with exuberance and joy, though everyone scorned him. He was the last, he nearly failed all his tests, and all the exams Iruka-sensei had put them through in the year…

But he was, in her eyes, perfect.

The confidence in every action he did… his smirk, brimful of pride and a sort of arrogance… and the way he got back up the moment anyone knocked him down, figuratively and literally…

Yep, Hinata had it bad for the blond-haired hyperactive Genin.

Before she had the chance to think more, he started to stir, and Hinata 'eeped' and snapped her head back, where she began once again staring at her hands.

"Kami-sama… ugh, I'm tired…" Naruto mumbled. The sleep _had_ helped a great deal though. He could actually move now, albeit with a great deal of grunting and sweating.

Glancing next to him, he saw the shy, somewhat hunched-over form of some girl. _'What's her name again…? Hanata… Hinata! Yes, that's it… what's she doing?' _he thought, somewhat confused.

"Eh, Hinata-chan, why're you so red?" he asked quietly, frowning slightly as his brain worked to try and get an answer. Iruka-sensei continued on in the front, lecturing about chakra control or something like that. He didn't really need to pay attention… the book was (though he didn't say it to Iruka-sensei's face) probably better than what the kindly Chuunin was teaching.

"O-oh… it's nothing, N-Naruto-kun…" she mumbled, looking away.

"Well, if you say so…" he shrugged, turning about and trying to pay attention to the lesson. But it was hard, when all your body felt like doing was collapse and go to sleep.

For the next few days, Naruto repeated the grueling process over, and over again… but by the fourth day, interestingly enough, he could actually start running.

This marvelously cheered up the blond Genin, and the class (which had been feeling slightly uncomfortable because of the sudden peace and silence they had not been used to) was, once again, treated to the usual round of smart-ass comments and brash words.

"That's so easy, Iruka-sensei! Why don't you just skip it?"

"You're so slow!"

Such comments now filled the air, but Iruka-sensei just ignored him. For a while, this was a great source of amusement for Naruto – he got the whole class' attention, even if the Chuunin (who had already gotten used to his rough exterior) didn't listen to him.

But then he got bored. At home, the book gave much better advice. He'd already finished with the basic Taijutsu, and was now going on to the Jutsus… but he couldn't very well practice them in the class, or someone might steal his techniques! Naruto was very protective of his newly gained prowess. Finally, Naruto realized what he could do.

"Ne, ne, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto cut in the next day on a particularly long lecture on the art of stealth with a mischievous grin on his face. "Why're you teaching us this crap! C'mon, let's get to the juicy Jutsus!"

The class, filled with muted whispers, suddenly went silent. Nobody interrupted Iruka-sensei's lectures. They just ignored them. The pupils stared at Iruka-sensei, trying to discern his reaction.

A vein in the Chuunin's forehead twitched.

"I mean, you've already taught us all this before… or have you forgotten? You're getting old, sensei!"

"Naruto…" Iruka ground out. "Get out of the class."

Naruto could barely hide his glee. "No way!" he protested, feigning reluctance.

"OUT!"

Sulking, the blond picked up his books and exited the classroom. Once out, though, he smirked, sat down cross-legged, took a book from his bag and flipped to the section titled "Ninjutsu".

**Ninjutsu is the bread and butter of every professional Shinobi's weapon arsenal. Ninjutsu dates back for almost four centuries; from long ago, when people used to call it 'magic'; to the present, where people now know it as it is – simply techniques utilizing the body's energy.**

**Ninjutsu techniques (usually shortened to 'Jutsus') are divided by their elements – there are fire Jutsus under the name of Katon; water Jutsus under the name of Suiton; etc, etc. Traditionally, the element of a Jutsu typically comes from the country in which the Hidden Village is formed. For example, the Hidden Cloud village (in the Thunder Country) would have Jutsus with the prefix of Raiton.**

**Ninjutsu (and Genjutsu, for that matter) techniques are initiated through seals, the name of the Jutsu (once created, the name is an important link of the Jutsu) and concentration of chakra. It is not sufficient to fulfill only one or two of the requirements; all must be completed, before the Jutsu will activate.**

**Once more, as with Taijutsu (except in that case, it is with styles), Jutsus can be created simply by focusing on what your goal is, and utilizing suitable seals to create it. For example, if one wanted to create a "Fire Sword Jutsu" (leaving the results to your imagination), it would be sufficient to say, "Katon: Hi Katana no Jutsu!" and use the Tiger-Horse seal for fire, and the Ram and Snake seal for a weapon, all the while focusing on the result in your mind.**

**Besides the elements of Fire, Water, Wind, Earth and the various sub-clan Jutsus (wood, stone, sand, lightning, shadow etc.), there are also several Jutsus that fit neither here nor there; for example the basic Henge, Bunshin and Kawarimi.**

Absorbed in the pages, Naruto didn't even notice when Iruka-sensei strolled out of the class, almost yelping when he was shocked by the sight of Naruto (Naruto!) reading a book. When he saw _what_ Naruto was reading, however, he went through a very rapid change of emotions.

First, shock; that Naruto was reading, much less studying, was nearly a miracle. Then a mixture of pride – surely Naruto could only get better from here! Iruka had already been seeing massive improvements in fitness over the last two weeks – and that was only fourteen days! Following that, a sort of wounded look settled over him.

"Naruto…" he said stiffly, slightly hurt. "Is that book so much more interesting than my lectures?"

The blond-haired Genin jumped, his head snapping around in surprise. "I-Iruka-sensei?" he stammered, looking abashed. "Of course… Of course not! It's just… you know…"

"It's all right, Naruto," he said, slightly weary, his eyes tired-looking. "I just wanted to tell you that class is over. Have a nice day." With that, he started to walk away.

"I… Iruka-sensei!" Naruto called, quickly picking up his book and bag, and hurried after his instructor.

"What?" Iruka answered without turning around, or stopping.

"You're… You're a really great teacher! Seriously!" Naruto insisted, an earnest look on his face.

Iruka sighed, finally turning to face Naruto. He ran a hand through his hair. "Thanks, Naruto. It's just that… you've always been – no offence meant – somewhat stagnant, you know? But now, with this book… you've improved! And so much! I… I just wonder; all these years, what've I been doing, that can't compare with half a month of _that_?" he jerked his head in the direction of the innocuous looking book in Naruto's hands.

"Nah, it's just that this book takes a whole new angle to things! Iruka-sensei is still the best teacher ever!" Naruto continued, relieved that Iruka was finally talking properly to him.

Iruka smiled. "Thank you."

A/N: Alright, that's the third installment done. BTW, NaruTemari is winning by a massive margin. Sooo… all you otherpairing people, get your pants on right and start voting! Also, if you could leave a comment or something about the story itself, that would rock.

Don't worry, guys. Yeah, Hinata likes him, but… it's one-sided. In my opinion, Hinata and Naruto are too big of opposites to be paired up – she admires the things he does, but could never bring herself to do them. He would never want to be attached to such a timid, un-fun girl like her…

Okay, maybe he might. But I still don't like it that much, and it isn't winning in the votes, so… yeah.

SD


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Okay, some people seem to have certain doubts about how Naruto/Temari could be achieved. Simple: I'll work towards it! Geez… a little bit of coincidence here, a bit of luck there, a nicely timed meeting in between… I'm pretty sure I can figure something out.

Besides this… thanks for all your reviews! xD I won't reply to them, but I _will_ address issues that keep popping up. You guys were great… except for this dude who I will not mention by name. (Rolls eyes) Sheesh, man… must you rely on petty insults and name-calling to try and get a rise out of me? Whatever. Anyway, I won't delete your review. It makes me laugh, and adds one point to my review count. (Smile)

You guys don't like the chapter book thing popping up, you say? (Looks mournfully at page after page of information.) Oh well. That's okay, I guess. I just thought it might be easier for you to believe how Naruto got a lot better if you actually saw what he read.

Also… WTF! All the pointy angled brackets I used to signify paragraph changes disappeared! Grr… Stupid Eh. I won't be changing the ones that are already there, but from now on I will make sure they appear.

Another thing: I got 2000 hits! And 128 reviews! C'mon, guys… just leave a word. It really helps. Also… there are people who put PNSI as their favorite story and didn't review. OO Um… I really don't want it to seem as if I'm review-greedy (okay, I am, but…) but… seriously! Would it hurt you that much! It really makes my day, you know.

Sorry for whining.

So… on with the fanfiction!

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 4

Naruto squatted in a clearing, squinting around him periodically.

The blond ninja crouched, hands on his knees, eyes flickering around him as he tried to detect any sign of life. He was in the forest (not that that was a very definitive term; most of Konoha _was_ forest), waiting… for something. Anything, really.

Why was he doing this? Well, it was pretty simple.

* * *

A few days before, he had been in the training area near to the Academy. It wasn't very good. The equipment was old, rusty, and seemed to break and collapse apart, more often than not hurting someone in the process.

On the other hand, it was raining. Since training in the cold, biting air with lancets of painfully frigid water stinging his skin really didn't appeal to him, he had no choice but to train here.

It had almost become a habit, really. Wake up, take a slow jog around Konoha to loosen up, then return home and gulp a cup or five of ramen down. Then, head to school, sneak peeks out of what he had come to think of as 'The Book' while pretending to listen to Iruka-sensei, and then finally spend some time practicing his Taijutsu (and lately, some Ninjutsu) in the afternoons. The weights he had sort of gotten used to, and besides the occasional muscle cramp (which hurt like hell!) it was pretty okay.

Anyway, that day, he had been methodically beating up a scarecrow-looking dummy, performing a series of three quick kicks over and over again on it. _'Head, chest, knee, twirl, head, chest, knee…_' Naruto thought, bored. Finally, in order to amuse himself, he decided to try changing the twirl a bit, pirouetting in the air. It didn't work very well.

"Oof!" He exhaled forcefully, the air knocked out of him. He lay face-first in the straw, panting tiredly. Faintly, he heard someone laughing behind him.

"It's not funny!" he complained from his position. Due to the odd position he was in, it came out more like "'fhish mot sunny!" which, as you might have expected, confused whoever it was behind Naruto.

"Whatever…" a lazy-sounding snort emanated from behind him. Rolling over, Naruto stared at the figures, wet straw sticking to his face and making him look slightly comical.

"Hi, Shikamaru, Chouji! What're you guys doing here?" he asked curiously, reclining on the floor.

"The floor's not exactly clean, you know…" Chouji remarked to nobody, in between a break from munching on the bag of fried potato crisps he held. "Kiba trained in here yesterday, and Akamaru… well, you know how he gets."

"What do you mean, huh?" Naruto inquired, his mind baffled by the leaps of logic required. "Akamaru and Kiba… get…? OH! EWWW!" Naruto screamed, pulling his legs back and using his hands to springboard himself into a standing position, his legs snapping back to support him. "That's SO GROSS!" His voice reverberated throughout the space, as if mocking him.

"Stop screaming, will ya?" Shikamaru grumbled, leaning against a wall. "You're so troublesome."

"You guys didn't answer me the first time," Naruto said hurriedly while brushing off his back, wrinkling his nose and cringing every time he looked at the floor.

"Well… normally we go to the top of a building close to here to… well, to stare at clouds and eat, but it's being renovated now, and since it's rainy…" The plump boy shrugged, continuing to stuff himself.

"Oh…" Naruto said, looking down, depressed for a moment. That kind of thing would probably be fun… if he had someone to do it with. But the blond boy was not one to dwell on such matters. Within seconds he forgot it and moved on.

"So, do ya want to fight? Huh?" Naruto smiled, cracking his knuckles. "I've improved a lot! You guys won't be able to touch me! Taijutsu only!" he boasted.

Chouji glanced at Shikamaru, who appeared to be snoozing. "Taijutsu…?" he said. "That wouldn't really be fair…"

"Huh? Whaddya mean?" Naruto asked, confusion on his face.

"Chouji comes from the Akimichi clan. They have their own special brand of Taijutsu, and their family Jutsu… he's been trained in it since young. Since the Taijutsu you know is the one taught to most ninjas – and which Chouji's Taijutsu is meant to counter – it wouldn't be fair." Shikamaru said, dark eyes flashing, before he closed his eyes again.

Naruto was freaked out. "What the! I thought he was asleep!"

"He gets like that sometimes."

"Well, I'm pretty sure I can beat you, no matter what Taijutsu you have! C'mon, let's up and at it!" Naruto cheered himself on.

"If you say so…" Chouji muttered to himself, readying his stance. He dropped into a wide horse stance, arms spread out slightly.

"Defensive? Well, that's too bad for you… 'cause I've been practicing just for this!" with that, Naruto sped towards Chouji, a confident smirk on his face.

Chouji really was surprised as the blond moved towards him, an orange figure growing bigger at a rapid pace. He was faster than most of the other students, though he was still slower than Kiba, Sasuke and a few others. But he had improved tremendously in a few weeks! _'Naruto… when did you become so strong?'_ Chouji wondered, remembering the joker only few weeks before who had, it seemed, been on a failing streak.

But speed wouldn't help. It was the nemesis of the Akimichi clan… until Chouji's great-great grandfather, Tamure, had devised the defensive Taijutsu that had become the signature style of the Akimichi clan.

Naruto, charging at his opponent, didn't notice the subtle forced relaxation of Chouji… until it was too late.

The hyperactive ninja abruptly stopped, snarling incoherently as all his momentum was suddenly transported to his leg, which pivoted and blurred towards Chouji. His arm was already raised, swinging towards Chouji with the intention to hit him if his first blow missed.

So he was unprepared when Chouji calmly used his left arm to ward off the blow, ducked beneath his arm, and slammed a beefy palm into his chest.

A meaty 'thunk' sounded, and Naruto flew backwards, flipping and sliding on the floor, as he coughed hard, trying to recover. Pain bloomed in his chest, a pulsating ache that _really_ hurt. "Oww…" he mumbled as, leaping backwards, he managed to narrowly avoid Chouji's next powerful strike.

"Are you okay?" the boy asked concernedly. Naruto really _was_ quite extraordinary. Usually, people were knocked out by the first hit. _When_ he could hit them, anyway. It wasn't every day that his opponents just charged straight up at him and tried to land a blow.

"Yeah…" he wheezed. Suddenly, though, a sly smile crossed over his face. "But you should really look out for yourself." He had maneuvered the two of them over to another section of the training area, filled with weapons, rope, strings and the like. Grabbing a long rope that Chouji was conveniently semi-tangled in, he heaved mightily.

"Huh? Wha- ah!" All of a sudden, Chouji found his leg strung up with a tangled mess. "Hey, no fair!" Grabbing a kunai from his belt-pouch, the plump boy attempted to slice through it.

Naruto, grinning now, finally regained his breath. His second wind had come. Knowing that this was the best time to attack, he sprinted towards his opponent, closing the distance. Chouji sawed furiously at the rope, but knew it was futile – he was only starting to fray it. He closed his eyes and braced himself for the impact.

The kick sent him flying back, and he rolled for a while, a fiery pain in his stomach. After he rolled to a stop, he gasped for breath, opening his eyes to see Naruto looming over him. He dodged the first punch that slammed into the floor, but fell prey to the sliding kick Naruto delivered smoothly. "Owch!" Naruto whined, when his hand hit the hard ground.

Puffing, Chouji tried to stand up, but was forced to drop to the floor when Naruto advanced and sent a leg swerving through the air. "This is really tiring," he complained, lurching forward and rushing Naruto with a shoulder. The hyperactive energy ball leapt back.

"Give up, then!" he yelled, placing his hands on the floor to spring himself forward, kicking Chouji in the face. Chouji grunted, stumbling backwards, then falling over as Naruto did crouched and sent his leg in a circle around him, sweeping Chouji's legs from under the plump boy. The ground shook slightly. A red-faced Chouji gasped, "I give up!"

"Hey, you okay?" he said, a confident smile on his face.

"Yeah, yeah... you win. Good for you." Chouji grumbled, feeling slightly disgruntled (but better physically).

"Nah, it was just luck. I see what you mean, though," Naruto commented, as he helped pull Chouji to his feet.

"About what?" Chouji said, shaking his head to clear it. They started their way back to Shikamaru.

"Taijutsu, of course! That was really cool! It was totally different from what they taught us at the Academy… I mean, you used your palm, instead of a fist, and all that other stuff! Can you teach me? Please?" Naruto begged, grabbing on to Chouji's arm.

"Uh… I can't. But you can make your own!" Chouji hurriedly added as Naruto's face fell.

"Really?" Naruto's face lit up again.

"Yeah, lots of Clans do that! Sometimes, they just use what they're good at to create a form of their own, like mine."

"Well… I don't really have anything I'm good at…" Naruto pondered for a moment. Soon, they reached Shikamaru, and both of the boys sank down next to the lazy, dark-haired boy.

"Why don't you use an animal, then?" Shikamaru suggested. His eyes finally opened.

"Geez, why don't you give us a warning before you do that!" Naruto snapped, his hair standing up on end for the second time that day.

"Well, if you don't want to hear it…" Shikamaru shrugged.

"No, wait! C'mon... just tell me already," Naruto grumbled.

"I already did. Use an animal." The heir of the Nara clan shot back.

"Oh! Um… how do you do that?" Naruto hesitantly asked, scratching his head.

Chouji thought hard for a second. "I remember reading somewhere… you're supposed to just observe it, as it eats and feeds and moves, that kind of thing. So you've got to pick a predator… After all, anything that eats veggies can't be too powerful." Chouji stated, showing his contempt of vegetarians.

"In that case, I'll go and find a pred-… a pred-… whatever, tonight!" Naruto grinned and gave a thumbs-up sign.

* * *

Which was how he was now in a forest clearing.

"What animal do I pick…?" Naruto wondered out loud, slapping his arm as a mosquito stung it. "Hmm, mosquito…? Nah, not impressive enough," he sighed, turning around to peer behind him. "How will I choose…?"

"I know! I can just choose the first proper animal that comes in." He decided.

As it was, it didn't take long.

His eyes widened.

A/N: Don't you hate me for ending it here? Yeah, I know, it's not much of a cliffhanger. Oh well.

Curse me, I'm too lazy to count all the scores. All I know is that NaruTemari is winning. (Shrugs). That isn't too bad.

Remember, vote and review! xD

SD


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Gosh. I'm rewatching episodes of Naruto over and over again. (Sob.) Sasuke is so brutal towards Naruto! WAH! (Sniff.)

Anyway… God, I'm so emotional. Over a stupid cartoon. Ugh! ARGH! Did I just call Naruto a stupid cartoon! (Slaps self.) Sigh. Never mind, on with the fanfiction.

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 5 

"Dog?" Naruto frowned, at the skinny mutt that nosed its way through the bushes. "That doesn't seem very... interesting…"

In his mind, a scenario played out.

_Naruto: Hyaa! Take this! Dog Style!_

_Sasuke: Dog? Ha ha ha!_

_Everyone: Ha ha, that's so stupid! Ha ha!_

_Naruto: (Blush)_

No, that wouldn't do. "Alright, then, I'll take the next animal that comes around!" Naruto declared firmly.

A caterpillar wormed its way in front of Naruto, poking inquisitively at a dead leaf.

"No way…" Naruto groaned in disbelief, falling back onto his butt. He put his hands on his knees and gazed at the insect glumly.

He watched despairingly as it crawled amicably along its way… then it was gone.

'_Whoa! What the hell?'_ Naruto blinked.

In the space of a second, two claws had lashed out, grabbed the caterpillar and returned to its owner – a praying mantis.

"Hmm, praying mantis. That isn't half bad! Praying mantis it is, then!" the blond boy smiled. He had found his animal! Now all that remained was to observe it!

But he could definitely find it again tomorrow… and it was getting kinda late. He scouted around for a comfy tree, then leapt and climbed up, swinging on the branch before settling in nicely. The sounds of the forest surrounded him in a natural orchestra that was incredibly soothing.

The last thought in his simple mind was how impressed everyone was gonna be, and how fun it would be to defeat Sasuke with his very own style. He drifted into sleep with a confident smile on his face, ambitious thoughts in his head, and the music of the wild in his ears.

The next day, the blond awoke, bleary-eyed and tired.

'_Where the hell am I?_' Naruto wondered, scratching his head. '_Where are my pajamas? And why don't I have my Gopher Cap on!'_ the blond continued mentally, feeling aggrieved.

Then he remembered why he was there, and flipped out of the tree, awake and alert. He stretched, grunting slightly, and when he was done he pumped a fist into the air. "All right!" he enthused. "I'm gonna find a praying mantis, and develop my own style!"

He spent the next five hours until lunch looking at praying mantises. The more he observed them, the more excited he got. _'This is definitely the right choice,'_ he thought, feeling almost proud of the particular praying mantis he was looking at. It had eaten six caterpillars, two spiders and an earthworm since he had started staring intently at it. Which was really quite remarkable! Surprisingly, though, for something that ate so much it was really quite muscular.

Thinking of eating, Naruto's stomach growled almost painfully as if in reminder that he hadn't eaten yet. Naruto, however, forced thoughts of ramen (Kami-sama, ramen!) out of his mind, and concentrated on how the praying mantis fed.

"It's quite amazing, really," Naruto said out loud. '_It just sits there, patient, in its stance… until the prey walks by. And then it leaps forward and snaps the prey between its claws, and uses its mouth-claws to eat the prey alive… well, I certainly wouldn't want to eat my opponent!' _He frowned, distracted, not noticing the preying mantis anymore. '_Not that I really wanna wait so long either, but…'_

'_Maybe something else special about it? It… uses both arms to attack? But that's because it's so fast, the prey doesn't even have time to react… meaning no time to defend, or counterattack. If its first attack fails, though, it's done for…_' Naruto reflected, remembering a separate praying mantis he had been watching. A jumping spider had killed it; when it launched its claws, the spider had leapt into the air, landing behind it. Instantly, the spider had sunk its fangs into the mantis, which thrashed around spastically before dying. Naruto, being the sentimental boy he was, barely suppressed tears at that.

'_That's because it overextends itself, though… perhaps if I change the style so that instead of powerful quick strikes, I aim for moderately strong but extremely quick strikes? If I can recover, I can hit again and again…' _the train of thought continued. He already knew what the stance would be – it would be similar to the praying mantis, his hands a curved palm, fingers together but curving in… arms raised, elbows slightly bent, knees shoulder length apart, right leg in front of left by two steps. It had simply flashed into his head as he was watching it. _'This is really interesting! Chouji's idea was really good, after all!'_ he smiled. He had had some doubts at the start, but Naruto was now perfectly in agreement with the idea.

'_What if I miss? What then?'_ Naruto mulled over the possibility in his head._ 'If he _(Naruto's imaginary opponents were always male) _manages to block… he can just use his arms to blow away my defence… then it'll be all over.'_

Then the answer came to him in a flash. _'OF COURSE! If he does that, I can just hug him, then knee him in the balls! That'll definitely work!' _A shadow of doubt crossed Naruto's mind. If his opponent did that before him… a knee in the genital area would _really_ hurt.

Then he shrugged, and in typical Naruto-style, forgot all about it. '_Oh well. You only live once.'_

Taijutsu Style: Praying Mantis still had quite a long way to go… but damn, Naruto was hungry. And when he was hungry, everything else came second, and ramen came first.

Actually, no matter what, ramen pretty much came first… so the previous statement didn't mean much.

The blond staggered into town, his stomach making pained noises and grumbling louder than Shikamaru did after being forced to train for three hours straight… which was pretty damn loud. The pedestrians glared at him in a mixture of resentment and amusement. The blond boy, wild-looking, with twigs and leaves in his hair and clothing and with a crazed look in his eyes, looked rather funny, even if he was the Kyuubi. Dragging himself finally to the Ichiraku Ramen Bar, the youth stumbled and held onto a wooden stool for dear life. "I'm… here…" he groaned, pulling himself up into a sitting position, ignoring the stares from the other patrons.

"Old man! Quick, whip up a bowl of noodles before I STARVE!" Naruto moaned after about 5 seconds, irritably tapping his fingers on the wooden table in an erratic pattern, almost like a tap dance with his hands.

"Be patient, Naruto. Good ramen takes time." The old man said placidly, neither quickening nor slowing the deliberate movements as he lowered the noodles into the pot.

"I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die…" Naruto chanted as his stomach, in its hunger, tried to digest itself.

He gasped in relief as the old man finally dropped a bowl laden with noodles onto the counter. "Ugh… thank Kami-sama! Mmmflfgh!" the rest of what he had to say was smothered as the ramen flew into his mouth. The sinfully smooth noodles slid down his throat in quick succession, one after the other. The blond had an almost frenzied look on his face, as he apparently attempted to try to break the sound barrier with his mouth.

"Oh, you don't need to go so far… I'm just an old man, not the Kami… though that is rather flattering…" the old man rambled on amicably.

Some time later (about ten minutes), after he had finished his fourth bowl, Naruto sighed in relief, wiping his mouth and sighing. "That was great!" he praised the chef. "I think you're the best Ramen Bar in Konoha!"

"Why, thank you. Now pay up."

"Uh…"

"Naruto…" the old man's vein twitched. "I just cooked up several bowls of high quality ramen just for you. Now, if you don't pay your tab…"

"Um…" the blond's eyes darted around wildly. "Hey, Iruka-sensei, there you are!" he said, waving frantically to someone over the cook's shoulder.

"What? Oh, well, Iruka will definitely pay your bill… or… make you…" he trailed off as he turned around, to spy… no one.

"Grr… NARUTO! YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT EATING HERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" the cook screamed at the orange blur vanishing into the distance.

"What a day… first I wake up in the middle of the forest, then I get banned from Ichiraku's by the cook himself!" Naruto ranted, conveniently forgetting that he was the main cause of both things.

Chouji nodded in sympathy. "Yeah, I know how it goes. It was like when I got banned from this buffet restaurant just because… well, just because I ate. They _did_ say 'all you could eat', after all…" he sighed.

Feeling depressed, the Genin-in-training had sought out the two people he sorta-considered his friends… Shikamaru and Chouji. Who were, as might be expected on a weekend, staring at clouds and eating respectively.

"Why go to all that trouble?" Shikamaru snorted. "Becoming a Genin… or a Chuunin, for that matter… is all overrated anyway. Just stay a normal person… and everything will be fine."

"Oh? And what if we get into a war, and you can't protect yourself 'cause you don't know nothing about being a ninja?" a new voice snorted. Naruto turned his head slowly from lying on the grassy field they were on, a clearing near to the city.

"Hey, dog-breath! Whaddya up to, coming here?" Naruto greeted the Inuzuka with a tired wave.

Kiba snorted again. "Why can't I, stupid moron?" Akamaru perched, as usual, on his head, barking in support.

"No fair, I'm being double-teamed," he mumbled, rolling over and staring at the sky.

"What's with you?" Kiba asked, looking at the blond weirdly, but did the same, lying on the spring grass.

"Nah, I'm fine. I'm just tired… spent the night in the woods," he said.

"Now why'd you go and do that, idiot?" Kiba said, wrinkling his nose. "Damn, you stink. Have you showered!"

That was the final straw. Naruto was tired, dirty, smelly (alright, he admitted it!), had been banned from Ichiraku's, and still hadn't finished the Praying Mantis style even halfway yet. He snapped.

"You're one to talk, dog-breath!" he retorted, seemingly gaining some strength. "After all, both you _and_ Akamaru smell like you haven't been toilet-trained yet!"

"Hey, don't insult Akamaru!" the semi-feral boy yelled back. "He's ten times smarter than you, and a hundred times stronger!" Akamaru snarled in agreement.

"Yeah, right!"

"Why don't we settle this in a fight?" he suggested, narrowing his eyes. "We'll prove that we're a million times stronger than you, you failure!"

"Fine! Let's go then!"

"Boy, he seems to get into a lot of fights, doesn't he?" Chouji remarked to Shikamaru, still nursing a bruised abdomen. "This should be pretty exciting though, they're both quite good…"

"Eh, whatever. It's too troublesome to keep up with their antics," Shikamaru sighed, staring at the fluffy, peaceful clouds drifting across the azure infinity that was the sky.

Meanwhile, the two aggressors squared off, both tensed and ready for action.

"Taijutsu only?" Naruto asked, excitement in his voice. He hated himself for showing that – he wanted to be cold and menacing like Sasuke, dammit, and that just didn't work with excitement – but he always got this way whenever a fight approached.

"You wish, loser," Kiba smirked. "I'm not a complete dunce at Jutsus like you, I don't need to limit myself that way."

Naruto bristled angrily. "Shut up!" he growled. A hot fury settled in the pit of his stomach. If there was one thing he hated, it was people making fun of his abilities as a ninja.

"Dunce, dunce, dunce…" the tattooed youth taunted.

"Shut UP!" With that, the blond sped through a quick cycle of seals, his hands slowly but carefully forming each of them. "Bunshin no Jutsu!" One clone appeared, and the two Naruto's were unified in their looks of identical rage on their faces. They charged in unison.

"So slow? You suck!" a Naruto smirked, dodging the temperamental Inuzuka's fists. "And you thought you could- OWCH! What the HELL!" he yelped in shock, as he turned around to find Akamaru growling angrily and latched on to his buttock.

"That's great, Akamaru!" Kiba encouraged, smiling maliciously. "So you're the real Naruto! You should really be looking at me, not at Akamaru – though we'll bring you down together!" With that, he hurled a fist at the blond, who looked on… in triumph? Shocked, Kiba quickly flashed around, just in time to catch a fist that smacked into his palm with a meaty-sounding impact.

"What the… that's impossible!" Kiba said, astounded, as the Naruto Akamaru was biting gave a victory wave, grinned menacingly, made a 'V' sign, and disappeared into smoke. He ducked under an outstretched fist, attempting to grab Naruto's legs. The blond, however, used Kiba's back as a base to lift himself up with his hands. He then flipped away, making about five metres before landing.

"What is?" Naruto asked, an arrogant smile on his face. "Didn't think I could master it? LOSER!" he yelled, pulling down an eyelid and sticking out his tongue.

"No, you idiot, Bunshins don't _have_ any mass! They're just thin air!" Kiba yelled back, infuriated.

The Genin-in-training looked derisive. "Don't try to trick me, you-"

"Look, you moron. Bunshin no Jutsu!" Kiba said, and in a poof of smoke four Kibas appeared.

Naruto sulked. "Yeah, yeah, I know, there are four of them, good job…"

"Not that, idiot!" Kiba ground his teeth in frustration. How dense could the blond be! "I'll show you." With that, he did an elbow jab on a surprised looking clone, who barely had enough time to cry out before disappearing into smoke. "They don't have substance!"

"But… but…" Naruto blinked. "Chouji, Shikamaru… Bunshins are… just air?"

"Yep," Chouji nodded, chewing noisily on a handful of chips. "How does Naruto make real clones, though? Ne, Shikamaru?" he asked, prodding the lazy boy in the side.

Shikamaru grumbled inaudibly, then sighed, hard in thought. "What the teachers at the Academy don't tell you, is that Jutsus are controlled – to quite a limited extent - by our own expectations of the Jutsu." He thought for a moment more, then said, "Naruto - who probably paid about 0 attention in class – didn't _know_ that Bunshins were made out of nothing, and so he forced a lot more chakra into the construct, probably making a real one. At least, that's as far as I can figure. Damn, you guys are troublesome," he grumbled.

"That's impossible!" Kiba objected. In the midst of their new discovery, they had forgotten all about the fight. "Then he practically made a new Jutsu!"

Shikamaru sighed again, and glared at Kiba. "All Jutsus were made by Shinobis..." He simply said. "So why can't Naruto make one?"

"'Cause he's an idiot, that's why!"

"So are you."

"Yeah, that's- HEY!"

Naruto, not even noticing the insult or the quarrel that subsequently followed, looked mystified, and let himself fall hard upon the ground, stinging his butt. If he _had_ really changed a Jutsu… and so easily…

Then how much harder could it be to completely create a Jutsu?

A/N: Alright, how was it?

Hopefully all the characters are still IC, Naruto is still believable, and so on and so forth. Romance might not come for a while.

As always, NaruTemari is winning, with NaruSasu a close behind. There's NO WAY I'm gonna count the votes, though, with 154 reviews. If a reviewer could do it… well, I'd definitely be grateful! (Snuggle.)

Also, next week I'm going to Shanxi province on a school field trip… so no update. (Cry.) I already have some of chapter 6 written, though… so if I come back to find lots!reviews, I'll definitely work at 500 efficiency and turn it out super fast! If not, I'll write a million chapters in a day! If I can't, I'll walk around Konoha on my hands! If I can't do _that_, I'll…

Never mind. Anyway, if I'm pleasantly surprised, I'll work hard. Promise!

Anyway, review away. I like t3h reviews!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Well, I'm really churning out the chapters. When I started this (which is NOW) chapter 4 was barely out a few days. Anyway… Vote, Review, and Enjoy!

As always, I will address issues as they come up.

Some people – okay, one person is kinda pissed about the "Naruto doesn't know Kage Bunshin? Oh well, he does it anyway" thing. Think about it. Even with zero chakra control, he learnt the technique – somewhat – in… what, four hours? If he thought Bunshins were real, I'd bet my ass he'd find someway to make it happen.

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 6 

Hurriedly, Naruto dashed up the stairs to his apartment, his hands shaking slightly as they fumbled with the keys. Finally slamming the poor piece of metal into the keyhole, he twisted it, flung the door open and went straight towards the small bag he now used to bring The Book to school.

Taking it out, he flipped quickly through the pages, until he came to a stop on 'Jutsus: the Basics'.

"Jutsus… Jutsus… Jutsus… there it is! Seals blah chakra blah blah… aha! Jutsu Creation!" Naruto finally cried out, happiness filling his voice like he'd hit a jackpot.

His eyes quickly scanned the page, noting down the words for future use. '_Each seal has a purpose, whether it be for the elements, or for particular uses. For example, Kawarimi no Jutsu uses the Horse seal to specify the purpose of the Jutsu – transportation - followed by the Eagle-Ram seals to focus on an object to switch with. Therefore, if one was sufficiently familiar with the seals or had great will – or on the other hand, ignorance -…_'

Naruto's eyes widened, and his heart pounded.

'_One could change, or even create Jutsus._'

* * *

The rest of the day was spent on further study and experimentation. First of all, Naruto took a shower – he had to. After sniffing his armpit to check the truth of Kiba's words, he nearly fainted. As it was, he turned green, and yelled, "Damn, that's nasty!"

Running water filled the apartment, followed by the sounds of hasty scrubbing. In about a minute, a rubbed-raw Naruto popped out, a towel around his waist and another bundling up his spikes. Grinning in glee, he plopped himself down onto his sofa and scanned the page. Thoughts of impressive, super-cool Jutsus that would make everyone go 'Oh my god! That totally rocks!' filled his mind. "And then they'll _all_ have to accept that I'm the perfect candidate for Hokage!" he said, momentarily turning over and staring at the ceiling, a dreamy look coming over his face.

'_Oh, Hokage-sama, I'm so sorry I ever banned you from my shop! Please come back! I'll give you free ramen for the rest of your life!_' the imaginary owner of Ichiraku's pleaded.

He lay there for a moment more before he realized something.

He was dripping water onto the pages of The Book.

"Oh, shit!" Naruto fumbled around, and finally got up, frantically drying the damp pages.

After that was done, he went to the fridge, absentmindedly pulling out a carton of milk. Pouring a cup for himself, he put the milk back, and closed the refrigerator with a twist of his leg.

"Now, to study, and beat everyone in the Academy!" Naruto cheered, taking a gulp of milk.

* * *

As it was, Naruto didn't get far. Pretty soon, he got a really…

Really...

Really bad stomachache.

"Oh, Kami-sama!" Naruto groaned in the washroom, as his stomach gave a spasm and he ejected a few pieces of bodily waste.

"Why the – AUGH! – hell… didn't – UNGH! – I check the damn… expiry date?" he whimpered, thumping his head against the wall.

It hadn't helped that Naruto had been holding in his shit for the last few days. It was a trick all ninja were taught – tensing the muscles in your ass could let you not have to take a crap for a few weeks, or more. Generating chakra to the area kept the crap soft, but even if you failed, all you got was some hard, dried up shit – and it was definitely better to have constipation than diarrhea, especially if you were in enemy territory.

Unfortunately, constipation did not mix well with food poisoning… and Naruto had never been good with the generating chakra thing.

"ARGH!" he moaned, and black spots appeared in front of his eyes, twirling around and around. Naruto's pain tolerance was pretty high – it had to be, to take all the beatings for the pranks he pulled – but this was beyond the worst thrashing he'd ever had!

And he'd endured it for 15 minutes already!

'_I can't… I can't take more of this._' Naruto thought, pained, as his intestines seemed to flop around inside him. '_What… what the hell was in that damn milk! I've gotta do SOMETHING!_'

And then the answer came to him in a flash.

Ideas for seals spilled through his mind, and Naruto sat up excitedly before another wave of agony made him clutch his knees. '_Monkey seal, for body…then Horse, for movement, then Bi- AHH!… Bird for change!_' he thought weakly.

Shakily, Naruto made the three seals, focusing chakra to his hands. 'I don't know how much it's gonna need, sooooo…I hope this works…' Naruto failed to suppress another whimper as his stomach reminded him painfully that all of this, all of it… was all his fault.

"Monkey, Horse, Bird… what should I call it?" Naruto whispered harshly out loud, as his hands glowed blue, splayed in the Bird seal. "Oh, the pain… Kami-sama! Holy shit! Harakudashi no Jutsu!" Naruto frenziedly yelled, throwing his hands out, palms facing his body. As for what he concentrated on… well, he concentrated on bowel movement. Lots and lots of it.

The chakra exploded inwards, in a pretty wave, making Naruto feel slightly warm and making his stomach gurgle…

… And nothing happened.

"NOOOOO!" Naruto screamed in desperation, sinking his head into his hands, only to grunt as pain overwhelmed him. "What the… what've I gotta do!" he asked plaintively to no one.

"One more time… Harakudashi no Jutsu!" Naruto mumbled, hands twisting and coming together. Once more, they glowed blue, and he repeated the motion, thrusting his hands outwards. Nothing happened, besides a weakening feeling as his chakra faded away.

"Harakudashi no Jutsu!"

"Harakudashi no Jutsu!"

Again and again he tried it, sometimes changing seals, feeling his limbs getting limper and limper as chakra concentrated, then burst away through his hands.

"DAMMIT! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO!" Naruto finally yelled, head resting on his knees, oblivious to the smell of his crap. All he felt was lots of pain and frustration.

A lot of pain and frustration.

"Do I have to… put the frickin' palms on my body…for it to work!" he gasped.

Then he blinked.

"I'm such an idiot," he grumbled. 'Monkey, Horse, Bird… I'll try that, first.'

"Harakudashi no Jutsu!" the blue glow was weaker now, flickering in and out. But it was still good enough. He pushed his palms onto his stomach.

The effect was instantaneous.

"Oh… my… God!" he gasped, as an enormous pressure pushed on his bowels. Relaxing his butt, Naruto felt – and smelt – most of his stomach's contents rush out into the toilet bowl.

"AHHH! AHH! Ah, ah…" he sighed in relief, as the pain finally drained away. "Damn, that feels good!" he said cheerfully, wrinkling his nose against the smell. Wiping his ass, he pulled up his pants, kicked the toilet handle, and watched it wash away a ton of shit. "Finally got that crap outta me," he sighed, washing his hands in the sink. He was halfway out the bathroom before he realized something.

He had just created his first Jutsu.

* * *

After that, he was pretty much giddy with anticipation. "I've already made my first one… how hard can the rest be?" he grinned.

Pretty hard, as it turned out.

"Katon: Enjou no Jutsu!" he yelled, performing the Fire seals, then the Tiger and Bird seals. Quickly, he gripped his right wrist with his left hand, and aimed his right palm at a few stacks of parchment.

A little bit of heat escaped his palm.

"Aww…" he frowned, sitting down and sucking his lower lip as he tried to think. "Why isn't it working?"

'Alright, time to check the book,' he thought. Grabbing The Book, which was starting to look slightly worn from the frequent flipping and folding of pages, he searched quickly through it. 'While some Ninjutsus - to be more exact, the ones that require contact – are easy to create, Jutsus that utilize chakra outside the body often require a great deal of control, as opposed to other Jutsus that only require a massive chakra reserve. For better chakra control, there are several ways to achieve this… the easiest way is to get your local Ninja trainer to help you out.'

"Hmm… I guess that means Iruka-sensei?" Naruto pondered. "Oh well, I kinda need heavier weights anyway… off we go!"

* * *

"IRUKA-SENSEI!" Naruto shouted happily, after sneaking up on an unsuspecting Iruka trundling around his office, collecting a stack of paper and making it into a neat pile.

"What the!" Iruka exclaimed, dropping the paper, and whirling around and falling into a Taijutsu stance, five kunai spinning around his fingers and sent whizzing towards Naruto before Iruka realized what he had done. "Oh, crap! Naruto-!"

"Wow, you're slow, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto commented, as he snagged a nearby chair and held it up calmly. All the five kunai thudded soundly into it, four of which drove their way straight through the wood.

"Now look what you've made me do," Iruka grumbled, after he got over the shock of seeing his pupil pop up next to him on a weekend – not to mention, the slight aggrievement he felt that Naruto had been able to block his kunais so easily. "You've ruined my favorite chair!"

"Me! What the heck did I do to your chair!" Naruto objected.

"Never mind, just tell me what you came here for," Iruka sighed, pulling out the kunai with a crunch of breaking wood andsome effort.Swiftly, hereplaced them into his belt pouch.

"Oh, well, the weights you gave me… they're lousy! I need new ones!" Naruto cheerfully told him.

Iruka froze. "What?"

"I said," Naruto mouthed slowly, like he was talking to a five-year old child, "I can move real easy in them! So I want new ones!"

"You serious? You have your weights on now?" Iruka frowned, a disbelieving look on his face. "Let me see."

Obligingly, Naruto opened his jumpsuit, and sure enough, weights were bound onto his body everywhere.

"B-b-but…" Iruka stuttered, "You shouldn't be done with them yet!"

"Whaddya mean by that, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto questioned. "Does that mean I'm brilliant? That I'm a genius? I KNEW IT! HA HA HA! In your FACE, SASUKE-TEME!" he suddenly gloated, a giant smirk appearing on his face. Once again, Naruto amazed Iruka with the lengths of conclusions he could jump.

"Uh…" Iruka scratched his head.

Quickly, the instructor ran the boy through a few short drills, agility and the like. After they were done, Iruka sat back, astounded. "This is… Naruto!" he breathed. "You never took them off, right?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Naruto nodded eagerly. "Good enough? Quick, tell me this means I rock!"

Iruka was simply blown away. Naruto had gotten used to a total of 60 extra pounds strapped to his body in barely more than a week? The possibilities were… endless.

"Ne, ne, Iruka-sensei! You okay?" he frowned, poking the elder Chuunin hard in the forehead when he started looking dazed.

"Yeah, Naruto. This is just… wow," he muttered, shaking his head. "At this rate… who knows where you'll end? Maybe you might want to come with me, this time… I'll get a substitute key for the storeroom for you…" he mused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "You probably won't want to keep having to look for me, and it will save me a lot of trouble…"

After they got the weights out of the musty, dark storeroom, they returned to the offices. Naruto coughed, brushing some dust off the weights. "Man, have these even been used?" he said critically, peering at them. "They look old! I want new ones," he started petulantly.

"Don't be a brat, Naruto," Iruka reproached. "Though, if I remember, the last person who used this much weights was Rock Lee…"

"Rock Lee? Who's that?" he blinked, looking curious.

"Oh, a student one year older than you… he was amazing," Iruka said, smiling fondly as he recalled the bundle of problems Rock Lee had presented with him. "Totally no Ninjutsu or Genjutsu at all, but he went on and passed Genin because his Taijutsu was simply incredible!"

"Well, I won't be like that! My Bunshin and Henge are perfect, and Kawarimi's coming along nicely… I've even invented a new Jutsu!" Naruto boasted.

"Yes, yes, Naruto…" Iruka smiled indulgently, humoring (or so he thought) the younger child. "Whatever you say. I'm sure you'll pass."

"Do you have any ideas for chakra control?" Naruto suddenly asked, as he was leaving. "I nearly forgot about that! I'm having a really hard time making my other new Jutsu!"

"Hmm… you might want to ask one of the Jounins…" Iruka chewed on his lower lip, deep in thought. "Anko, maybe? She's pretty into Ninjutsu… the other person I can think of is Kurenai-san, she deals with Genjutsu… You might find them at the Jounin training field, or maybe at the first level of the Hokage's Tower… I think Anko's just returned from a mission, too, so she'll probably be at the Tower for a couple of days while the administration sorts things out…"

"Alright, then! I'll go to the Hokage's Tower first… see ya!" Naruto grinned and waved, dashing off as he finished putting on his new weights.

* * *

A/N: DONE! Woooooo yeah! Hehehe. Okay, this took a really really long time, so I'm sorry. TT Review anyway, to tell me how irresponsible I am though this chapter rocked! That would make my eyes sparkle… .

Anyway, let me tell you about some of the Japanese words here.

Harakudashi – (n) loose bowels, diarrhea

Enjou – (v) to blaze; to burn


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Wow, I can't believe it's here so fast… the 7th chapter! Go me!

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 7

"Alright, I'm here! Now… to find out who this "Anko" person is…" Naruto muttered, as he skidded to a stop outside the majestic, multi-storied stone tower where the Hokage's office was located. Walking through the colored arched gate, oriental patterns etched everywhere on the scented wood, Naruto was practically overwhelmed as he got hit with a wave of sound and chatter.

"Excuse me, ma'am, my son has been abducted! Please, please, help me find him… I'm willing to pay any price," a snatch of conversation floated to his ears.

"So what would that qualify as?" another voice floated into his ears.

"I'm sorry about the loss of your companion… does he still have any family remaining in Konoha?"

Every Hokage ever had stayed in the tower, and thus it had gotten its name. Besides functioning as a base for the Hokage, it had, over the years, become something like an administration hub – requests for shinobi were put up there, missions were handed out, rewards were received, and the dead were reported, all within the gray enclosure the statuesque building offered.

The building was huge. The first level alone resembled nothing more than an enormous hall. Long, counter-like desks were set up along the perimeter, and at the moment, every single desk was occupied with people. Along the center, there were counters too, and in the very front was one that was entitled, "Help Desk". Each counter encircled a small area, and documents were everywhere – on the tables, in drawers…

Helplessly, Naruto stared around, at the business and trades being dealt, at the stony-faced ninjas…

He was completely lost.

Finally, picking up his courage, he went up to the first counter, pushing through a small crowd. "Hey, lady?" he waved to the clerk, a slim, long-haired girl with brown eyes and a pair of slim, professional-looking glasses on her face.

"Good afternoon, sir, and welcome to the help…" she smiled, looking up. "Oh. Hello, boy, what are you doing here? Are you lost?" she said kindly.

"Well, yeah, kinda…" Naruto sheepishly admitted. "I was looking for someone called Anko…?"

"Please wait a moment, I'll search through the records…" she turned back to several cabinets of folders behind her, only to be faced with a slightly stout, middle-aged balding man, wearing a cuffed shirt and black pants. The man had a cold look on his face, and he stared straight past the lady, who looked slightly uncertain and intimidated, at Naruto.

"You," he hissed. "Brat, get away from here."

"Do I know you, old man?" Naruto frowned. Inside, though, his confidence was returning. Taken aback by the sheer mass of people in the tower at first, he had then been treated with kindness, something he wasn't too sure how to reciprocate. However, this hostility… he didn't knew the reason why everyone hated him so much, but he sure as hell knew how to deal with it. "Nah, couldn't be. The shine from your head is so bright; I'd probably remember you just for the fact that you almost blinded me."

"You little…" the man bit off, fury rising in his eyes.

The lady was wide-eyed by now, eyes flickering from one person to the other. On the one hand, there was the child… he was so cute, with those eyes that were _so_ blue… but here he was, insulting her boss. On the other hand, there was her senior officer, looking at the boy like so much street trash… and he had seemed so nice, too!

"Demon fox, the village should have-" he said harshly, before he yelped and fell to his knees, cowering from a shuriken that sizzled over his head and cut off one of the few remaining strands of hair. The aforementioned piece of metal sliced through the air before cracking into a glass panel and sending a spider-web of cracks emanating out from the impacted spot.

"Who the hell?" the man narrowed his eyes, before his gaze fell on a shapely figure making her way through the crowd that had suddenly parted before her, after witnessing the twenty-something year old ninja calmly hurl a deadly weapon an inch from the man's head.

"You, sir," she said in a bored tone, tilting her head to one side, "have just violated one of the Hokage's rules. No matter who you are, such open defiance of the Hokage will have to be punished. Expect a letter of retrenchment sometime soon." As the people started to mutter angrily about the matter, she grasped a stunned Naruto's arm and quickly steered him out of the area.

* * *

Once they were out of the building, Naruto finally looked up at his saviour's face.

It was fuming angry.

"You MORON!" Mitarashi Anko yelled, punching Naruto in the head and making him fall over in shock and pain. "You insulted a _manager_ in the middle of the Hokage's Tower! Did you know how many damn shinobis were there who would've itched at that excuse to… to…" Sighing, she threw up her hands in despair. '_Of course he doesn't. The Hokage's stupid rule… I should have known._'

"O-ow…" Naruto groaned from his position on the floor.

Later, when Naruto had recovered, he found himself on the roof of some building or another. In fact, he was lying on a bench… the last time he'd been beaten and fainted, he usually woke up in a gutter or a back alley somewhere… _this_ was a first.

Glancing around, he spotted the woman who had punched him in the head. "Oi, lady!" he grumbled, scratching his head. "Why'd you go and punch me? And why the hell did you drag me outta there? I need to find somebody, dammit!"

The woman glared at him. "You think I wanna stay and babysit you, moron? The damned Hokage's told me to watch over you 'cause of your shitty mistakes! He's afraid someone will come and kill you, but I bet you'll annoy them to death first!" she shouted back.

"Oh," Naruto said, looking down. Anko cursed mentally.

'_I shouldn't have said that… shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me,' _she winced. '_I didn't think he was that sensitive, though…'_

"Sorry, but you're wasting your time! I've got better things to do than get killed… I'm gonna become Hokage!" he suddenly grinned, an ear-splitting smile that stretched across his face.

Anko was stunned. The look, the voice, the tone…

The only person Naruto reminded her of just then, even though she hadn't known him really, besides an unwanted but brash child, was the Fourth. '_Guess he's not that sensitive after all,_' she nearly smiled.

"And to do that, I've gotta find some Anko person and get him to train me, so… see ya!"

"Wha'? Hey, brat, stop there!" she quickly barked, leaping to her feet. She sighed as the blond figure zoomed away into the distance. '_Damn… Now I'm curious. He wants to look for me? And he thinks I'm a guy!'_ the last was thought with an indignant tone. "Damn, he may look and talk like the Fourth, but he's a bigger idiot than that man ever was," she sighed out loud. Gathering herself, she sent chakra spiraling into her legs with a hint of concentration, and took off after the blond.

* * *

"Wait, dammit!" she yelled. _'Okay, now I'm pissed. I'm a Jounin, for Kami's sake! I should be able to catch him!'_ The two had been running across the top of Konoha's solid buildings for about five minutes now, and he was _still_ annoyingly far ahead.She skipped a step, twirled and spun a delicate weave of chakra into herself, and felt pure liquid ice pour into her. The feeling was exhilarating, like a drug, almost. With incredible speed, she flew at the blond, who looked stunned at her sudden boost of agility.

"The hell!" Naruto swore, as he glanced back and saw a figure speeding towards him. "No way some old hag is gonna catch ME!" he hopped on one leg as he swiftly extracted the weights on his body. "Damn, it must be Iruka-sensei's stupid new weights that are slowing me down so much! Catch THIS!" he smirked, and flung the weights in her direction.

Anko was surprised. He wore weights, and could still run? And '_new weights_'? Did that mean…? She sidestepped the weights. '_Like a slow projectile like _that_ could slow me down,' _she thought, slightly miffed. _'What, does he think I'm on the same level as him?'_ To her, his weights would probably just be a light exertion to carry.

Unfortunately, she'd forgotten than the roof they were on happened to be a shingle one, and dangerously thin.

It appeared Naruto had just realized the same thing.

"Oh, crap!" the blond suddenly yelped, eyes slightly frantic. "The roof is gonna collapse!" He slowed down and pivoted on his foot, and with a slight stumble dashed back towards Anko.

"Not if I can help it," the Jounin grinned viciously. If there was one thing she liked, it was showing off. She quickly forming the Bird, Horse and then the Bird seal again. Flicking her wrist the moment she was done, a multitude of silver, glowing strands shot out from her fingers and wrapped themselves around the weights. Jerking her wrist up, and taking the strings along with it, the weights accordingly flew up too, until they settled with a heavy sounding thump into her arms.

"Oof," she grunted, stumbling back before she steadied herself.

"Thanks," Naruto said slightly awkwardly after they returned (for the second time) to the rooftop enclosure where they had been, before he had attempted to escape. "Uh… so, couldja teach me something?"

"Hmm…" Anko pretended to look thoughtful, but inside she was simmering. '_I should teach him, and he was pretty impressive… and considerate through, considering how the villagers are… but…'_ "After you damn near made be chase you for a kilometer? No way!" she snapped.

Naruto's face fell. "Aww… b-but…" he sulked, sticking out his lower lip.

Anko tried to resist. She really did.

"You're so mean," he pouted.

"Oh god, I was wrong. This kid is _better_ than it than him," Anko sighed.

"What?" Naruto asked, scratching his head.

"Never mind… if ya wanna get trained by me, you've gotta be prepared for some tough times… you really wanna go through with this, brat?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Damn yeah!" he nodded furiously, pumping a hand into the air.

"Alright then," she locked gazes with him, "then you'll have to promise me that you'll try your best. Meet me at the Northern Forest enclosure at 2.00 P.M sharp, and then we'll see."

* * *

A/N: Yeah, I know it's short, but I thought I should get this out. Enjoy, and review! 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Okay, I get it already! Sheesh… I'll make the chapters longer -.- This means that chapters will take longer though. However, luckily for you guys, this week is a public holiday so this update is early. This extra effort, though, demands more reviews. More reviews... or shorter chapters. (Grins evilly)

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 8

"Yo, Iruka-sensei!" a bright and cheery Naruto grinned, strolling into class and dropping his bag onto his usual seat in the front row with a clatter of old wood. There was a tangible atmosphere of nervousness in the class; a hint of a storm to come in the air, and a slight foreboding sensation that set everyone on edge. Naruto didn't sense any of that, though. The class was half-full, and everyone was huddled in small groups, whispering and comparing notes.

"Hmm, pretty early, aren't you?" Iruka smiling despite himself, and looking up from a pile of papers he was marking. "Guess even you think the Genin Exams are important." He forced a laugh. "Good luck."

"Of course, Iruka-sensei! The Genin Exams are…" Naruto paused. "What did you say?"

"The Genin Exams are today, Naruto! Or don't you remember me writing that on the blackboard yesterday in class?" Iruka asked, sighing at the look on Naruto's face – confused, embarrassed, and slightly pissed at himself. "You weren't paying attention, were you?"

"Uhh…" Come to think of it, Naruto _did _remember a faint imprint of Iruka-sensei screaming something at the noisy class and scribbling a quick note on the board which had caused everyone to shut up, but… "Umm… No. Heh, heh..." he gave a sheepish grin.

"Never mind, I just hope you pass…" Iruka looked up. "Naruto, I probably won't be grading you today. This year, the academy has a pretty large bunch of students – too large to be graded in the 8 hours this should only take, so the batch will be divided into two. Half will be under me, and half will be under Mizuki… If I'm not wrong, you're with him. I don't think you've met him before?"

Naruto _had_ seen him before¸ actually. The blond ninja had quite often noticed the silver-haired Chuunin strolling around the academy, and the man had always smiled warmly at him. It was fortunate that it was someone like him grading him… if it had been one of the _other_ teachers that would grade him, he would probably fail even if he'd been able to make a million bunshins.

"I've seen him before, and he seems pretty nice," Naruto commented, putting his hands behind his head. _'I didn't study, but I think I'm prepared…_' "Anyway, you don't have to worry about me… I'll definitely be able to ace the test!" he boasted. Unfortunately, he couldn't wash away the butterflies in his stomach with bravado.

"Heh… Whatever you say," Iruka said, feeling slightly anxious for no particular reason. Naruto _was _right… he'd been improving steadily, but… Mizuki… there was just something Iruka felt around him…

Nah, it was just paranoia.

Probably.

* * *

Panting, Naruto flung himself to the side, narrowly avoiding a swarm of Kunai that flickered past him, slamming hard into the scented earth ground of the enclosed, dome-area he was in. The area was quite small, about 10 metres in diameter, covered with a sound-proof dome and dimly lit. Naruto was starting to find it harder and harder to dodge the projectiles flying at him with deadly speed, especially as he was running out of space to dodge to. 

As far as Naruto could estimate, it had been 2 hours since he'd entered the first Exam, and Naruto was still in the Taijutsu section. He couldn't understand why the hell an examiner hadn't came to get him out yet, and he was starting to get DAMN PISSED!

Doing a quick flip and letting a trio of shuriken zip below his body, he let his eyes dart across to where his weights had been frantically discarded. He had quickly realized that if he kept his weights on, he would probably have been nailed to the wall, bleeding, in five minutes. '_Alright, they're still there,_' he thought distractedly, dropping to the floor, then rolling quickly. The floor was littered with weapons already, and Naruto could barely find a clean spot - and the stream of sharp objects was still coming.

_'I'm so gonna kill Iruka-sensei when I get out of this...'_ he growled mentally. '_It's easy!', he said. 'You'll breeze past it,' he said. My ass! I'm definitely faster than some of the other guys, and even _they _passed!' _"Oh, crap!" he yelped, as he twisted in midair and arched his back just in time to evade a spear lancing below him. Even so, the sound of ripping cloth emerged, and the ground was soaked with dark red droplets of blood as the razor-sharpspearheadsliced through him like a hot knife through butter."Damn, that hurts!" he groaned, quickly doing a shoulder roll on the floor and wincing as his wounded back hit the ground.

The class had been given 15 minutes at the start of the morning to rest and recuperate, and to meditate about their upcoming trials. Following that, the academy had been divided up into two groups, which had then been led to separate tests.

Naruto's group had been led to a vast field of dome after dome. About one-third of the students had gone into them first, and had emerged about half an hour later, red-faced and gasping. Then, another third had gone in, followed by the last third, which Naruto had been in.

Chouji had been in the first third, and had come out slightly wounded but otherwise fine; and Naruto _knew_ he was a lot faster than him!

Finally, the hail of weapons stopped. An opening in the dome emerged, and the resulting flood of harsh light made Naruto curse, wince, and lift a hand to his face.

"Naruto?"

"Yeah, what is it? Have I passed?" Naruto gasped, falling to his knees. Sweat poured down his face, his clothes sticky and clinging to his body. "Dammit, tell me I've passed this part!" he snapped,a cold dread sweeping over him when the examiner failed to respond.

"Naruto... I'm sorry. You... didn't pass, and you won't pass any of the others."

"But... but how!" Naruto's frame sagged, and he practically collapsed onto the floor."Why!" His eyes locked gazes with the silver-haired man in front of him, a fierce lock of gazes. "Mizuki-sensei... how come I didn't pass!"

Mizuki sighed, walking over and crouching. "Naruto... I have to tell you this. I got orders from my superiors... not to let you pass, no matter how you did."

"WHAT!" Naruto yelled, anger fueling his exhausted body in a boost of adrenaline. He slammed a fist on the floor, not even wincing when the impact occured. His eyes were heavy with frustration, grief and resignation. He'd always knew thiscould happen, but... "So I can't pass? Even... even if I stayed in there for a day and didn't get a scratch?"

Sadly, Mizuki shook his head.

"And... and the others?"

"They're already at the Ninjutsu section. I don't think you'll be able to catch up. If I'd let you out before now... I would probably have been demoted."

"Why're you telling me this?" Naruto finally asked, looking up. A defeated look was on his face, but the streak of stubbornness and determination that had kept him going had re-emerged. "If you want me to give up, mister, you've got another thing coming! One day, I'm gonna be Hokage - and if it takes me ten years to get to Genin and another twenty to get to Jounin, I will get there!" At the end of his statement, Naruto really felt much better. Proclaiming his goal usually did that to him.

"Make you give up? Oh, nothing like that," Mizuki gave a silvery little laugh. "It's just that, Naruto, I was impressed by you. And I want to give you a second chance. Even if it gets me in trouble, Naruto, I want you to know that I'm on your side. If you can accomplish a mission, I'll give you your forehead protector, Naruto - and at that time, no one will be able to deny you that," Mizuki said smoothly, a compassionate look on his face.

"Really?" Some dredge of hope began to seep back into his eyes. "Sure, anything! Just name it, Mizuki-sensei! I promise I'll do it!"

"Well... you see, there's a scroll in the Hokage's Office... and there are lots of traps, but if you use this Jutsu, I think you'll be able to get past..." Mizuki smiled, a sudden nasty, spite-filled expression that Naruto failed to see, and the two conversed for a long time in the sunny clearing marred from perfection by globe after globe of dome-shaped spheres. The sun shone, and the wind blew, and Mizuki grinned to himself.

* * *

Anko glared around furiously. The cacophony of the wild did nothing to sooth her - rather, it put her on edge. The wind had a bite to it that made her feel uneasy... 

And that damn brat was twenty minutes late!

She gave up, grumbling about incompetant blonds and stabbing a Kunai into a tree trunk with such viciousness that the blade sunk in to the hilt, as the cracking sound of bark crumbling snapped out like a whip into the air.

Naruto would pay for making her wait.

Oh yes, he would pay. She cackled evilly as she leapt into a tree branch. It would be so fun to torment him...

And to think, she could call it training. A happy smile crossed her face.

* * *

Iruka was worried. Evening had settled upon the quiet village of Konohagakure, 

It was four hours after the end of the exam. All the students had gone home, tired but triumphant... the whole batch had passed, or so it seemed...

But Iruka realized, with a sinking feeling as he peered and tried to catch a glimpse of the blond through the crowd of proud and anxious parents and whooping children, that Naruto was missing.

Had he passed?

Had he failed, and gone... somewhere? Had he run away?

No, he couldn't have. Iruka _knew_ Naruto in a way not even the Third did... the boy might mope around for a while, but he _loved _Konoha. That was what had first made Iruka try to be nice to Naruto. Naruto would not be able to bear being separate with the village he loved so much, just because of some exam. Not to mention if he left, he would never ever eat Ichiraku's Ramen again.

So where in the _world_ was he?

* * *

"Wow, for such a perverted old man, his tower is actually pretty easy to get into," Naruto mused quietly to himself, thinking about the Jutsu Mizuki had taught him. It was really impressive - he'd never thought of using half-seals for miniscule effects, or double seals for extra powerful ones. He contemplated this and triedperforming the horse seal, breaking it off half-way - his hand muscles cramped, unused to the odd movements. 

Using seals had, over time, become second-nature to him - but learning new ones was still a pain, and while the half-horse seal was basically just the horse seal incompleted, he was so used to performing the complete one that he kept fouling up.

Getting _into_ the Hokage's Tower itself was easy - it was open 24 hours daily, for ninjas would sometimes return from their missions with crucial information the Hokage needed to hear. Luckily for Naruto, the clerks and attendants on the first floor weren't ninjas, and so didn't notice him.

Naruto wasn't particularly stealthy, but after he had taken off his weights for a quick reprieve for showering and the like, he had realized that he would need to control his strength after accidentally crushing his shower-head while trying to adjust it.

This need had expressed itself more urgently when he had exited his shower, and ripped his towel in two while attempting to dry himself. Furious, he had jerked his door off its hinges, hit his face with his hand and sighed, and went to get a cup of water, only to cut his hand when he squeezed the glass too tightly and had it explode in a burst of sharp shards.

As such, learning to control his strength (when he didn't want it) had the fortunate side effect of getting him to be more stealthy, which came in _very _handy in pranks and sneaking into places where he wasn't wanted.

Sticking to the wall, in the shadows, he padded silently to the stairs, waited for the clerk to write something in his notebook, then quickly dashed up the stairs. The stairs could only be assessed through the building, but was actually_ outside_ it - in the form of a continuing staircase that reached the end of the tower before doubling back. Each 'turn' represented one story, and Naruto gulped in apprehension as his gaze was tilted up, up, up... to the very top.

"Oh well... it's now or never," he said grimly with determination. Sprinting up the stairs two at a time, he barely looked at the stairs, trusting himself to be able to see it out the corner of his eyes. Instead, he focused hard to pierce the darkness of the night, careful to duck beneath the railings the moment he saw any ninjas approach too close.

The wind rushed past his face, and he barely noticed the faint burning that had started to be generated in his limbs. He had left the weights behind, sitting on his bed - he thought he might need his full power for this, and didn't relish the thought of having to escape by jumping down twelve stories with eighty pounds attached to his body.

"Alright... now, to use Mizuki-sensei's Jutsu..." Naruto concentrated, his hands flickering through the monkey, bird and tiger seals. "Akarui Me no Jutsu!" he cried softly.

"Whoa... nifty! This Jutsu kicks _ass!_"Naruto cheered quietly. Despite the wide corridor being unlit, to him, everything was as if it was daylight.

Not to mention, he could see _tons_ of glowy lines that he assumed were trap lines. Carefully stepping over, between and under them, he made his way to the Hokage's door after an excruciating 10 minutes. "Damn, stupid paranoid old man," he grumbled, reaching the door. "I'd _better_ pass that damn exam..."

As he reached the door, though, his eyes began to hurt. Terribly.

"What the hell? This... ungh," he groaned. It felt as if tiny needles were stabbing at the back of his eyeballs. "O-ow... Ahh... Kai!" he quickly yelled, heedless of stealth anymore. He just wanted the pain to stop."Shit, what was in that damn Jutsu?" Rubbing his eyes frantically, he gasped a sigh of relief as the pain slowly faded away.

Then his world exploded into agony, and he screamed.

* * *

A/N: Alright. Long enough? God. Review, dammit. You guys all owe me one. Wow, I'm so glad I take Japanese classes... they're really helping with the Jutsu thing, but damn, I wish the dictionary I was using was back up. (-.-) Oh well. I was originally planning to do something like Seeing Eyes (miero me?) but that seemed a little strange... I didn't want to use Miemasu either, so... oh well. 

Jutsus:  
Akarui Me (pronounced Ah-ka-ru-i Meh) no Jutsu: Bright Eyes Technique

Interestingly enough, Konohagakure actually means Hidden Leaf, and not Hidden Leaf Village. Making a guess, I'd say that Konoha is Leaf, and Gakure is Hidden.

On a side note, I now utterly hate Bittorrent.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Well… REVIEW, GODDAMMIT! REVIEW! (Grumble). 1000 hits and 30 reviews? SHEESH!

Now, to address some issues:

Someone was kinda miffed because Naruto's Taijutsu isn't immune to the Sharingan. This _is_ true – but on the other hand, some techniques _can't_ be copied. For example, Rock Lee's Omote Renge is a move that not even Kakashi can attempt – he simply hasn't had the proper training, and if he tried it, he would probably paralyze himself, or something.

Anyway, on with the fic!

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 9

The Sandaime Hokage looked up from his desk, alarmed. Someone had triggered a trap on the outside… Sarutobi had many skills, most linked to being able to accomplish missions efficiently and quickly, and one of his most prized abilities was to be able to literally _be _one with the traps he made. Infusing it with Chakra, he could literally feel the moment anyone stepped across one, or triggered anything. If a Hyuuga had been in the Third's vicinity, they would have instantly realized this; a few thousand lines of glowing Chakra linked to him was slightly distinguishing.

Closing his eyes for a moment, his hands flickered through a short series of seals. "Turapu Shiryoku no Jutsu!" he muttered. The old man suddenly felt as if he had been plunged through darkness, emerging in a narrow, thin band of existence. Looking around him with his limited vision, he noticed a boy… what was a _boy_ (an Academy Student no less, judging by the lack of a forehead-protector) attempting to infiltrate the Hokage's office for!

The old man gathered himself and followed the thread of chakra back to his own body, and producing a kunai from one of the vast pockets in his loose robes, he hurled it efficiently at one of the tiles in the ceiling. The tile swung open, and running towards it, he leapt up, disappearing into the ceiling. A few moments later, the kunai vanished, and the tile swung back into place, leaving no trace that anyone had been in the office mere seconds ago.

"Kai," the old man chanted, from his excellent – if slightly narrow – vantage point in the ceiling. The strand of chakra connecting him to that particular trap vanished, uncoiling and twisting until it smoked itself into nothingness. The trap, which worked using Chakra to attack the intruder by ripping out any Jutsus on them and sending it back in a shockwave of energy, disappeared as it no longer had a power source to work on.

* * *

Naruto fell to his knees, gasping for breath. His head felt as if it had been on fire for the past ten minutes – when he opened his eyes, he wasn't surprised to note that everything was coated in a bloody red haze. Shaking his head to clear it, he wiped the pained tears from his eyes and got to his feet, shuddering from the pain backlash. 

"Oh, God… I can't believe I got past that. I can't foul up again, dammit… I need this to pass as Genin…" Naruto murmured to himself, catching his breath.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Hokage let go of his held breath in a grim hiss. Exactly _who _had told him that? Sarutobi had his suspicions… but for the moment, he would let Naruto do as he pleased.

* * *

Creeping into the room, Naruto threw a surreptitious glance around. _'No one there… damn, am I happy that the old man's security is so lax…' _He slid into the room, still wary of any traps. Little did he know that he needn't have worried; the old man in the ceiling was frantically cancelling every trap around him, and in a while the room was practically completely safe. He sidled over, finally, to a large drawer – it wasn't hard to see it; after all, it was glowing like a watchtower - where there were numerous long sheets of paper, with line after line of symbols and writing on it. Each pulsated with a powerful glow of pure light, something that Naruto thought was rather conspicuous, not to mention obvious. "Sometimes, old man, you're really too silly," Naruto said exasperatedly to himself. Time to use the stuff Mizuki had gave him…

* * *

Sarutobi tensed, staring at Naruto. What would he do? The drawer was sealed for a good reason – forbidden techniques had been recorded on scrolls, techniques with such incredible power that they had been prohibited so that Konoha could remain safe. No one knew all of the techniques in there – not even the Third, himself. Even the Fourth had only managed to pore through four of the five scrolls, before he had found what he had wanted – the Shinigami no Jutsu, accompanied by some intricate, complicated seals. 

As such, the seals that were on them were powerful indeed. Each Hokage spent a full day adding protections and shoring up the older ones, and passed on knowledge of the seals' inner workings only to his successor.

However, the bigger question was _how_ had Naruto zoomed in on the exact cabinet containing the scrolls, when every single other cabinet in the room was equally nondescript and featureless? For all that Naruto knew (or should have known), he could have went to the cabinet for architectural purposes and found the plans to the new public toilet for the main Weapons Armory in town…

And what would happen when he tried to access the scrolls? The protections were immensely powerful. Sarutobi could not dispel them from where he was, nor would he wish to – if it indeed was Naruto (for the Third had entertained the notion that it might be a fraud, another ninja impersonating the lively blond who had gotten under his skin so deeply) what was he _doing_, trying to get the forbidden techniques? It was treason, pure and simple. If Naruto had to die… Sarutobi's heart gave a painful lurch at the prospect, and the old, weathered man sighed, a sort of melancholy suffusing him. What had to happen would happen. It was simple as that. He peered forth, carefully notating the blond's actions.

As such, he was completely unprepared when Naruto, grinning madly, took out a magic marker and doodled all over the seals.

* * *

Naruto grinned. "This is fun!" Drawing stick figures and crude depictions of toilet bowls and ramen everywhere, he whooped quietly in triumph as the seals, only parchment and blood (as ink), began to erode under the strain. The harsh scratching of the nib against the material was the only sound that echoed, in a sort of rhythmic stroking, across the room. 

It took about 15 minutes, but he finally broke through the last seal. _'Just as well,'_ the blond thought ruefully. He was starting to get bored, and the ink in the pen had significantly dropped. Flinging the pen carelessly behind him, he readied himself to dig into the contents of the drawer. However, at the last moment, a gut instinct suddenly gripped him, and he flipped to the side.

A series of kunai flickered where he had been moments before, each one set to slam against the drawer in a line that was gradually pushing out Naruto step by step. He tried to flip over the kunais, only to be dismayed when they pulled themselves back and flung themselves at him simultaneously again.

"What the hell!" he cried, heedless of the noise he made. "They're ALIVE!" He twirled and dodged, sometimes even using furniture to hamper the paths of the kunai.

After a while, though, he started to find the notion of sentient daggers that never tired of chasing him across the room somewhat disheartening, not to mention the fatigue that was gradually spreading over his muscles. _'How do I stop them?'_ he wondered mentally, before he was literally hit over the head with the answer.

'_Holy crap!'_ the boy exclaimed silently, wondering how in the _world_ he hadn't seen them before – Chakra lines! They were everywhere, snaking from an innocuous-looking mahogany box in the corner.

'_Well… I know what to blow up now, so let's practice one of those Jutsus I've tried!' _"Hayai Kirukoto Kunai no Jutsu!" Digging his hand into his weapons pouch and retrieving a dagger, he pulled it out, somewhat clumsily forming a couple of seals, the knife swinging from his fingers in an awkward manner.

Naruto cursed his lack of practice, and rolled just in time to avoid a blade. Knowing where the kunais were coming from made determining their course of movement much easier, and he easily avoided them. Spinning the dagger by its ring around his finger rapidly, it picked up speed, soon practically glowing with energy and whistling as it sliced through the air. Throughout this process, Naruto continued to move around the decimated office, rolling as the kunais punched through parchment and wood, letting loose sheaves of paper float through the office, some whole but most of them cut sharply into two or more pieces. He tried his hardest not to let the kunai touch the floor – but he failed, and he grimaced at the cleanly-sliced through floorboards. His kunai was spinning significantly slower, but… now or never. "Take this, you stupid kunais!" he grinned madly, blood pumping through his veins. _This_ was why he became a ninja – he _loved_ danger. It was just so fun!

Still spinning the dagger, he spun it faster and faster until it reached the edge of his finger, then pulled his arm back before letting it spring forward in an elaborate motion that had taken days of practicing to even accomplish. The kunai flew forward at an incredible rate, almost like a bullet as it crackled forward, literally emitting a sound like that of an arrow flying past one's head, spinning all the while – Naruto cursed; even through all his practice, he could only get it to fly straight once in ten tries – and hurtled into the box, which Naruto now saw looked more like a stout pagoda. The pagoda split under the sheer force of the projectile; as Naruto had learned, speed quite often translated to power. The Chakra strings abruptly went limp, and disappeared. Naruto's smile widened. "I did it!"

Then, he suddenly saw the few hundred other strings that led to one spot in the ceiling, and gulped. "Oh dear."

A/N: Now, I know this is VERY VERY short. However, you must note this:schoolhas started! I've a lot of homework, but I thought I would just quickly squeeze this in.So, don't murder me! (Cowers behind laptop). And don't forget to review. Remember, REVIEW! Reviewis Good and means Faster Chapters.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Gosh, guys, sorry for the AGES since my last update. It's just… time slips by so fast! Holy crap! Procrastination is the ultimate nemesis of successful fanfiction-writing…

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 10

"I've got to get out of here," Naruto mumbled inanely, edging towards a free window. Before whoever in the ceiling could appear (Naruto had _never_, in his life, ever seen so much Chakra!) the hyperactive ninja leapt recklessly towards the window, heedless of the half-inch thick window pane.

Shouldering it heavily, it broke apart under his momentum with a sharp crash, showering the air with shards of glass and a fine powder. Naruto winced, as a particularly nasty fragment ripped through his jumpsuit, tearing a bloody gash in his body. The forcible muscle contraction aggravated another wound – damn, the cut in his back! – causing it to burn fiercely.

The Sandaime watched, open-mouthed, as the blond fell half a dozen stories to the ground. With a snap of smoke and a few seals, he felt his body move through space, appearing in the office. Quickly, he leapt forward and looked down through the inky blackness of night.

Far, far below, there was an orange shape on the ground. Cocking his ears, he heard a small _thud_ as feet hit the floor, followed by the pattering of feet.

How Naruto had seen him – for the Chakra threads should have been invisible, and the Sandaime clearly saw him glance at the rough location of his hiding spot – would have to wait.

Grimly, the Sandaime flashed through another series of complicated seals, pulsing a silent call to a Chuunin – Mizuki, he'd heard the name said – who was particularly susceptible to mental messages, and told him to rouse Iruka and the other Academy instructors. No matter what reasons Naruto had, forbidden was forbidden.

A manhunt was in order.

* * *

Naruto leapt through the forest with a grin on his face and a scroll in his hands. Now, all he had to do was get to where Mizuki told him... he'd named it pretty precisely, Mizuki-sensei had. "_Get to an oak tree with three horizontal kunai slashes on the trunk, about a meter off the ground._"

Well, he was there...but Mizuki wasn't.

"Dammit, the test was pretty easy, but I have to _wait_, too!" Naruto complained. "What am I supposed to do until he gets here? Sit and drool?"

Naruto tried just that for about four seconds before he gave up. God, he was bored…

Finally, his eyes alighted upon the scroll in his hand. Why not...? After all, Mizuki didn't say he couldn't… Carefully unrolling the scroll, Naruto veritably bounced in excitement, looking at the contents with a barely veiled anticipation.

Since he was looking at a small scroll, he was completely unprepared when it exploded into a cloud of smoke that he recognized as being Henge. "Shit…! A trap?" he muttered, drawing a kunai and leaping away.

But no, it was no trap. The scroll had just tripled its size, and lay on the floor, inert, practically _begging _Naruto to open it and look…

So he did so.

Enraptured, he spent the next few hours memorizing the Jutsus in place. He wished he had a pen to copy the seals and ideas down, but all he brought were his weapons… oh well, he would get what he could. No wonder Mizuki wanted him to get the scroll! It was to help him! Though the trap in the doorway made his eyes _really_ hurt…

* * *

Mizuki looked around in frustration. Here he was, at the big oak tree… where the _hell _was the fox brat? If he chickened out, or died… Mizuki would rip his intestines out and force feed him with it. Mizuki _needed_ those Jutsus.

The silver-haired man grunted with annoyance and nimbly leapt, branch by branch, to the top of the tree. From that lofty point of view, he peered around, trying to find any orange…

Unfortunately, the whole area was black and green and brown. The boy couldn't be here… that orange jumpsuit that he always insisted on wearing would jump out at any observers' eyes anywhere. Gritting his teeth, the Chuunin sped away.

* * *

Absentmindedly, Naruto swatted a bug on his arm and wiped it on his black pants.

At about 3.00 A.M, the Hokage finally used his Crystal Ball. What he saw baffled him – it was just a random scene in the forest, black and green and brown. The old man was gradually getting pissed off and worried in turns. He knew that Naruto would never do anything on purpose, but… it would be hard to explain this to the other villagers and ninjas.

Growling angrily, the old man stomped outside. He needed to find the Aburame Clan. Luckily, he didn't have to go too far before bumping into just who he needed.

"Sukare, I need a favour," the old man stated to the stoic-looking Chuunin that saluted him smartly on the stairs.

"Yes, sir?" the bug-user said respectfully. The whole village had immense regard for the old man, both as a nice person and as a formidable ninja. He was not known as "The Professor" for nothing.

The Sandaime inclined his head slightly, acknowledging the greeting. "Could you organize a team of some sort, to search for… someone?"

"May I enquire who that someone is, sir?" the bug-user questioned, a barely-perceptible frown on his face.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

"Ah, I see." He nodded, barely hesitating when he heard the name. "Then, can I suggest that you call upon the younger members? The older ones… might get a little angry."

During the terrible time that the Kyuubi had invaded Konoha, the bugs had gone _crazy_. The overwhelming demon Chakra had made the insects that normally lived harmoniously with their 'homes' berserk, tearing at flesh and swarming out, attacking friend and foe and fellow insect without purpose and utterly disobeying the commands of their masters.

The Aburame clan had lost sixteen of its Chuunin and seven Jounin in that battle, and they did not even get the chance to fight. The bugs had simply surged out and tore them to bits the moment they got within forty meters of the Fox Demon.

"That would be ideal, yes. Maybe some of the Genin, and any academy students in his year?"

"Ah… there are no Genin, sir. There is only one Aburame Shino. How about the Inuzuka child in the Academy? And the two Hyuuga children, the Main and Branch house members?"

The Hokage hesitated a moment, his brows furrowed in thought. "Perhaps not the Hyuugas – it would take too long to get through the tedious administrative procedures that they insist on-" _being the anal-retentive stiffs that they are,_ Sarutobi's mind added with a bitter chuckle. Sarutobi was not prone to swearing, but the Hyuuga clan had been one of his sorest spots – specifically, the Branch and Main house issues. "Send the Inuzuka and Aburame, though. Make sure they're backed up by other Chuunin."

"Immediately, sir."

* * *

Aburame Shino glanced around him. His normally stoic heart was now speeding up slightly from its usual sluggish pace; it wasn't often that a mere Academy student got to participate in such important missions, especially not one that warranted Chuunin.

His bugs could sense the heat off his comrade-in-arms for this mission, a loud-mouthed, cocky boy that was in his year. Shino did not particularly like him, but he admitted that the boy's dog was quite useful, helping to locate the general direction of the trail, while Shino's insects roved ahead in droves.

"Hey, Shino… why'd you think the Uzumaki brat decided to disappear with the scroll?" Kiba piped up in a particularly long intermission of following the white dog – Akamaru, Shino thought he'd heard the name be called.

Shino frowned. He did not want to talk to the boy; personally, he found conversation awkward, preoccupied as he was with the verbal and nonverbal chatterings of the insects inside him.

"Hmm. Perhaps he wanted power?" Shino suggested mildly.

"Nah," Kiba shook his head, hopping deftly over a mass of branches on the forest ground. "I don't think so… he probably did it for a prank. I mean, breaking into the Hokage Tower and doodling over the seals? Guess he got pissed that he didn't become a Genin, eh?" he added cheerfully, puffing out his chest, eyes straining to see the fore-head protector on his head.

"We're not really Genin yet," Shino reminded, slightly impressed by Kiba's evaluation – if crude – of Naruto's motives. "Remember, we still have to go through the test from the Jounins before they put us down in the records as Genin."

"Ah, whatever… we passed the Academy test, didn't we?" Kiba waved it off. Then he frowned, his expression unconsciously mimicking Shino's earlier one. "Wait, Akamaru smells something… I think I've got him! This way!"

The two ninjas and the two Chuunin behind them – Mizuki and Akiba, a Chuunin that taught the younger levels – perked up, their footsteps becoming more silent and the atmosphere becoming tangibly tense.

Sure enough, they heard miniscule cursing noises not too far away, and a Chakra surge that made the four tense up. Something was going on near the clearing.

Meanwhile, Mizuki was cursing his lack of attention. "Don't tell me I missed him the first time?" he grimaced, muttering under his breath. Carefully, his hand inched around to his belt. _'Got to take care of these nosy boys, first.'_

When they reached within 100 meters of the giant oak tree that Mizuki had so carelessly passed, they stopped. Akiba reared back, and grabbed a handful of shuriken, holding up his free hand. The two Genin immediately stopped, wide eyed. Akiba said quietly, looking around,"Listen up, guys… stay back, Mizuki and I will deal with- ARGH!" The Chuunin suddenly let out a shocked cry as a blade was plunged into his back with the sickening sound of tearing skin and blood spraying.

"You were saying, Akiba? 'Mizuki and I'?" the silver-haired traitor mocked, grinning. Ever so slowly, he twisted the blade, Akiba moaning in agony and poised on the ground as the kunai ground into his flesh.

"D-damn you, M-Mizuki, what are-" Akiba choked up, before giving an inarticulate yell as he was kicked harshly in the ribs.

"You moron, haven't you figured it by now? I'm… after… the scrolls. That too hard for your little brain to understand?" Mizuki bared his teeth. "This is getting boring. See you in your next life, Akiba."

The other Chuunin could only watch helplessly, in the throes of his pain, as Mizuki's booted foot slammed into his head, the distinct sound of bone being cracked snapping into the night like a whip. The two Genin watching were scared witless.

"Holy crap!" Kiba hissed, backing away. "We've got to-"

"Going somewhere, dog-breath?" a smooth voice purred. "I'm afraid not… Konohagakure Taijutsu: Mohizashi!" With that, Mizuki snapped a foot into Kiba's stomach, hitting his solar plexus. Kiba's eyes bulged, then slid shut as he slumped to the ground.

When the Chuunin looked up at the other Genin, a swarm of bugs had already buzzed its way towards him. Shino stood behind the defensive, live shield, a calm look on his face.

Mizuki snorted. "You think you'll stop me with just that? Unfortunately for you, I _am_ a Konoha Leaf-nin, and I know how to deal with our own – Katon: Hashire no Hi!"

A short burst of fire gusted out from his outstretched hands, and was sent crackling into the midst of the bug swarm where it set the tiny insects ablaze and made the cloud of organisms something like a light show, the miniscule animals flying madly in circles while they burnt away. Shino looked on with a slight expression of dismay, but looked resigned – he had already sent for help, to his parents with his bugs - he just hoped they came in time.

Looking up, he braced himself as a fist launched itself into his face – then all he saw was darkness.

* * *

A/N: That's it. God, I'm sorry, but I _will_ try to update more. Be happy with this, I beg you.

Furthermore, I realize that NaruTemari might take forever to come – so, I will instead call it "mild NaruTemari".


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: The story _is _moving a little slow, isn't it… oh well, I'll try my best. Enjoy!

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 11

Uzumaki Naruto's head cocked up, alarm shooting across his face as he heard a yelp off to his right.

Immediately, he looked around the clearing, fingers twitching slightly as he tried (in vain) to get the scroll to make itself small again. Almost instantaneously, Mizuki's words floated back to him…

"_Don't let the scroll be stolen back, whatever you do. That will cause you to fail instantly, and you don't get second chances." Mizuki said sternly._

"_But… don't I get to retry, next year, if I fail?" he said wonderingly._

_The Chuunin snorted derisively. "Like real. You think anyone will let you? You're just a snot-nosed little brat who-" He suddenly cut off, apparently thinking he had said too much. _

_Detecting Naruto's hurt expression, he quickly added, "But that's not what I think, of course. _I_ personally think you should have passed today, here and now. But, what can we do?" he shrugged in commiseration._

Snapping back to reality, Naruto scrambled to his feet, the blackness around him suddenly seeming threatening. _'Crap it, I won't be able to see anyone!'_ he thought, with a tinge of panic. _'If anyone surrounds me, I'm trapped! What should I- Oh. Damn, I'm stupid,'_ he thought ruefully as he remembered the Jutsu Mizuki had taught him.

"Akarui Me no Jutsu!" he muttered below his breath, backing up till his back was against the rough bark of an oak tree. At least like this, Naruto only needed to defend 180 degrees in front of him. He readied his weapons, and looked into the darkness, feeling slightly better about having vision into the blanket of black.

What he saw made his jaw drop. Mizuki-sensei was beating Kiba and Shino up! _'What the hell?'_ he wondered. Naruto didn't particularly _like_ Kiba or Shino, but he could understand the dog-boy and kinda admired the bug-user just a teensy little bit for his coolness.

And wasn't beating up students against the rules, or something? Kami knew _some_ teachers had wanted to thrash Naruto, but had backed down at the last minute…

Naruto gulped, as his mind ran quickly like clockwork wound up tight. Besides which, Mizuki was nice, but really had no reason to help him, especially since he might lose his job. Naruto acted silly, but he wasn't _that_ stupid; he _knew_ a lot of people got pissed every time he went near, and since they weren't that way to other people it was probably just him.

Inside the muddle of his thoughts, he barely noticed the sound of a body falling to the ground. _'Shino,'_ his dazed mind registered. _'I saw Kiba on the grass already just now.'_

Besides which, sneaking into the Hokage's office wasn't the kind of thing a Genin test normally included… right? And the seals…

Naruto started to feel a cold, unsettling sensation in the pit of his stomach.

Could Mizuki have gotten him to steal a forbidden scroll?

* * *

Mizuki smirked. The bodies of the Genin brats and the other Chuunin on the ground, he crept towards Naruto, a knife in his hand and murderous intents in his head.

The entire operation had gone too, too well. Naruto had successfully obtained the scroll; the village was in an uproar; and no one so much as suspected that he was the one who had put the fox demon up to the stunt.

His mouth twisted unpleasantly as he thought of the fox demon. The Kyuubi had been the one who made Mizuki's mother a single parent; the one who had taken away his father, a courageous Jounin who had fought against the Nine-Tails, only to fall against its unnatural powers.

And now, the opportunity was ripe for him to take revenge, and he would revel in it. He would bring the forbidden scroll to Orochimaru-sama, and in the mean time, rip the Kyuubi brat's life from him.

* * *

Naruto instinctively backed away, fear grasping him in its bony claws as the Chuunin turned towards him with a maniacal look in his eyes and a crazed grin on his face, advancing a step at a time with a kunai in one hand and the other poised to beckon towards Naruto.

"Give the scroll to me, Naruto-kun," he heard as Mizuki opened his mouth. The words came slowly, distant, like a not-quite-real faraway voice.

"I… I pass, then?" The blond boy said hopefully, suppressing the irrational fear inside him. There was no need to be scared, right? It might not even be a forbidden scroll… just his imagination…

"Yes, Naruto, please give the scroll to me." Mizuki whispered, suddenly barely meters away. The hyperactive ninja could see the whites of his bloodshot eyes. Somehow, he instinctively knew that what Mizuku was proposing was wrong, wrong like the innocent murder of children. The Chuunin did not harbour pure intentions towards him.

"I… No. Give me a forehead protector first," the boy stubbornly demanded, clasping the scroll to him and taking a few long leaps back, reinstating the distance between them.

"GIVE THE SCROLL TO ME!" the Chuunin suddenly screamed, his eyes bulging as he raised his hand with the kunai, his other hand grabbing a handful of shuriken from his weapons pouch.

"No!" Naruto yelled back, honestly terrified now. He knew he should move, he knew he should seek cover. But he had never been in this type of situation before – had never been in a place where he might actually _die_, might actually lose his life in a meaningless scrabble for a scroll he wished he had never stole. The senseless fear held him in place, cold sweat sliding down his skin, his heart beating quickly.

"Then die! Die, and let me take the scroll from your bleeding body!" Mizuki shrieked, hurling the entire handful of razor-sharp weaponry at Naruto. The blond froze, nerveless.

Then he saw a silhouette in the trees – a spiky hairstyle he recognized intimately sitting on top of a familiar head. "NARUTO! NO!" he heard the figure scream faintly, throwing his own shuriken at the barrage. Naruto pried open his eyes to watch as metal clashed against metal, and deadly weapons were sent hurling off to sink into the damp mud… but there was still four kunai and two shuriken flying towards him, and he _still_ couldn't move, goddammit…

Bracing himself, he heard himself whimper and was disgusted with the pitiful sound. _'You moron! Iruka-sensei tried to rescue you and all you can do is whine!'_ he thought furiously. _'Get out of there!'_

But all he could do was stand there as the sharp blades, glinting in the moonlight, inexorably approached, sure to hit a vital spot. The sound of ripping flesh tore through Naruto's world, and he waited for the inevitable pain to come flooding through him.

It didn't.

"I-Iruka-sensei…?" he whispered, senseless.

A man stood in front of him, not much taller than the boy. Tanned skin seemed warped in the forest's shadows, faint moonlight giving him an ethereal look.

"I… I knew you… didn't d-do it…" the Chuunin turned around and said softly, a grin on his face. Then he fell to the ground.

For a while, all was silence. Then he screamed, a cry of pain and loss then seemed to be ripped from his throat. The sound reverberated again and again, until it stopped and Naruto realized that his throat was raw and painful.

"You… you bastard," he choked out, voice raspy.

"'You bastard'? Is that the worse you can do?" Mizuki grinned, seemingly fully abandoning the pretense of helping Naruto achieve his goals. "I would think you'd come up with worse, after all, I just murdered the _only person in this village who gives a damn about you._ And do you know why? It's not because you're a distasteful person, even though you _are_ that. It's because you're the Fox Demon."

"What?" Naruto gasped, wide-eyed.

"That's right, Naruto. You, my dear boy, are the sole reason for the death of over a 100 trained Shinobi, the greatest depletion of Konoha's forces notwithstanding the war with the Hidden Stone. It was because of you, Naruto, that Iruka's parents died." Mizuki proclaimed gleefully, taking sadistic pleasure in breaking Naruto down piece by piece.

"_You made Iruka an orphan."_

"You… you liar! How in the world could I be the Fox Demon? Don't think I'll believe your lies!"

"It's simple. The Fourth Hokage, the noblest man in the village, died to seal the Kyuubi no Kitsune into you, Naruto. If there was anything pure in you, it was eradicated by that one fact."

"Lies! All lies!" Naruto clenched his fists. It couldn't be. It _couldn't!_

But it made so much sense, his brain told him. All the glares of hate from the villagers. All the comments in the markets. The refusal of service from restaurants, shops, schools.

Because he was the Fox Demon.

"That doesn't change a damn thing," he growled, shoving everything to the side in a manner that was unique to Naruto alone. If he couldn't deal with it, he would deal with it later. "What matters, is that you killed Iruka-sensei. And I will never forgive you for that."

"Do you think you can beat me, a Chuunin-level Ninja, with your base skills? You couldn't even pass the Genin test, you loser!" Mizuki taunted.

"SHUT UP! That was only because you _failed_ me!" Naruto screamed. "I didn't get a fair chance! I _never_ get a fair chance at _anything_!

"And what makes you think you deserve one?" came the reply.

The sentence shocked Naruto to the bone.

Seeing that his words had hit a nerve, Mizuki quickly plunged on. "Animals deserve chances, Naruto. So do people. But you're neither! You're a demon, and you deserve _nothing_!"

"N-no…" Naruto denied.

"But words mean nothing. And time wears on – I must take the scroll to Orochimaru-sama. If you stand in my way, I will simply kill you. Enjoy the trip to hell," Mizuki's lips curled in a savage grin, "_demon_."

With that, the Chuunin flew at him with a speed that Naruto could barely see. He ducked out of the way of a kunai slash, and then was forced to backpedal in the wake of several kicks and punches. "Fast, aren't you?" Mizuki commented, smiling deviously. "How long can you keep this up?"

Sure enough, Naruto's muscles were beginning to tire, and all he had done so far was dodge Mizuki's attacks. At this rate, he would just be forced to jump around until he slowed, and then get pummeled to bits.

'_I've got to stop running… what Jutsus do I know that can help?'_ Naruto thought, slightly panicky. He crouched down, and let a arm chop sweep harmlessly over his head, then tried sinking a punch into Mizuki's gut. The Chuunin merely caught the fist with his other hand, then grabbed his wrist and hurled Naruto over his head into a tree.

'_Ouch… well, Kawarimi no Jutsu is pretty useless, since even if I get back to the village everyone will think I'm a criminal- and everyone thinks I'm the Demon Fox-' _he added mentally with a surge of depression, leaping to his feet and running away.

'_Then I've got Bunshin no Jutsu, Sexy no Jutsu, and Henge no Jutsu…plus Harakudashi no Jutsu, and the forbidden Jutsus…that's it! The forbidden Jutsus!'_ he realized happily, grinning all the while.

"Mizuki-sensei… You didn't think that I wouldn't use a Forbidden scroll to my advantage, did you?" he suddenly stopped and turned around, narrowing his eyes menacingly.

The Chuunin was taken aback by the sudden change in roles, and hastily leapt back to avoid running into a tree. "What are you talking about?" Oddly, he suddenly felt scared, as a glint of red erupted in Naruto's eyes.

"The Forbidden Jutsus… are forbidden for a reason…" Naruto continued ominously, a chill wind blowing through the forest. "You murdered Iruka-sensei, the man who was like my father."

Mizuki started sweating, horrified at the change in atmosphere – the aura around Naruto had suddenly turned threatening. The Chuunin was impressed despite himself – it wasn't often an Academy student could manifest this sort of intimidation ability.

"Now, I'll show you what they really mean." His hands came up slowly, then rested into a seal that was formed by the index and middle fingers of each hand raised up and pressed against each other.

"_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"_

-TO BE CONTINUED-

A/N: Don't you hate me for that? Express your hate loudly in reviews, but not too loud – you wouldn't want me to stop writing, would you?


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Don't worry, the following rant will not disturb the length of the story, I'll make sure it's around the same.

Gahhh… okay, some (read: most) people are pissed because the stories are so damn _short_. Well, get this: I'm just a _kid_. 13 years old, not a god-damned author who spends all his/her time writing _for a living_. Now, I realize that not everyone is bugging me on this, but I am writing solely for entertainment (and reviews). Yes, your words matter, but I can't _help_ the bloody long updates – I have to go to _school,_ and do all sorts of thrice-cursed things my mother dreams up for me in her evil mind. Any of _you _guys have piano, rugby, Chinese and Japanese lessons, and Chess in a week? I don't think so.

Forgive the rant, but I'm sick and tired of people saying that my chapter are too _fucking damn short_. I can't _help_ it. The time I have for free activities (which is extremely limited) is divided between World of Warcraft, Bleach, and fanfiction writing. As you might expect, this means very little writing time. 2000 words per chapter isn't a lot, you say? Well, let's see how long you write it takes _you_ to write 2000 words of semi-originality. Unlike professional authors, I write completely off the cuff. I have no idea _where_ this is going, besides roughly following the main plot of the story. This means extended periods of staring blankly at white screens.

Now to explain some reviews:

Somebody said: I find Naruto pathetic. Why did he freeze up in fear? The answer is: everything before was a mission. He _knew_ that it was risky, but he thought (obviously wrongly) that even if he failed, it wouldn't mean the end of his life. On the other hand, Mizuki throwing sharp things at him would quite definitely mean something fatal.

Now, here's a super fast update. I've been sick, lately, so I've had a lot of time to write. But, I swear, start whining again…

On with the fanfiction!

Professional Ninja Skills for Idiots

Chapter 12

"_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"_ Naruto intoned. For a moment, a long silence reigned.

Nothing happened. Naruto stared stupidly at his hand, and gaped.

Mizuki felt the urge to start laughing hysterically but fought it down, an ear-splitting grin on his face. "So, the Academy Student failed a Kinjutsu… what were you thinking, brat? You could learn techniques that were forbidden to everyone except the highest in Konoha?" Reaching into a pouch at his waist, he withdrew a long blade that he transformed into a four-pointed, extremely sharp shuriken with a flick of his wrist.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Naruto repeated, slightly panicked. He should be able to do this, he should…

"Just like Iruka. Did you know that Iruka was a drop-out, too? Like begets like, I guess. He was so terribly _lonely_ because of you _murdering his parents _that he thought I was actually his friend – did you know that? He defended me against the Hokage once himself, when I killed a Leaf-nin on a mission…" Mizuki mused, spinning the shuriken around absent-mindedly. "Such a fool." Abruptly, he twisted his wrist in a quick motion that sent the shuriken blurring around his hand, a ringing noise emanating as the blades spun fast enough to cut the wind.

"Don't insult Iruka-sensei," Naruto suddenly growled quietly, all the fear leeched from him. "You rotten, no-good bastard, he's worth a thousand of you. He's worth a thousand ANBU or whatever, no matter how well they did."

"Why? Because he tried to keep you safe? One might think of that more as an act of stupidity, considering how well _you_ turned out…" Suddenly, Mizuki leapt forward, still keeping the giant shuriken spinning. He landed two solid kicks on Naruto's chest, sending the boy flying backwards where he slammed into a tree, the impact leaving him winded.

Black spots in Naruto's vision nearly led to him getting crushed in the head by Mizuki's other hand, formed into a fist and sent flying at him. His heart beating like a jackhammer, Naruto rolled to the side just in time. _'Damn, I didn't see that until it was nearly too late,'_ he thought anxiously. _'I'm getting slower.'_

Quickly, Naruto rolled again, avoiding a line of kunai embedding themselves where his head would have been had he not moved. _'Incredible… he's doing all this, and still the giant shuriken spins…'_ he thought wonderingly. _'Is this the power of a Chuunin? Certainly, Iruka-sensei never seemed that good...'_ Immediately, he felt guilty, as if he was betraying his teacher.

As if Mizuki had read his thoughts, he smiled, barely out of breath, and said, "Iruka was a poor excuse for a teacher. You did so badly, all these years, despite al his efforts… but lately, you've improved quite a lot. How much of that was your lack of talent, and how much of that was Iruka's? It makes one wonder… he should never have become a Chuunin."

"Don't insult Iruka-sensei." The words were ground out slowly, one at a time. Hate seeped from him almost like a tangible aura. Mizuki felt a bolt of terror go through him as he saw a flash of red in the boy's eyes, but he reminded himself – it was Naruto! How strong could he be? The situation was almost laughable. A boy on the ground, lying prone, scaring a trained ninja?

"What'll you do if I _do_ plan on insulting him, brat? You'll try the big, bad, Kinjutsu again? Only Orochimaru can use them, you fool-"With that, he hurled the giant shuriken at Naruto, who had struggled to his feet. Leaping to the side, Naruto dodged it as it soared past him.

But he knew that he'd done _something_ wrong when Mizuki's lips curled up in triumph. "Moron, this is what you get for not paying attention in Weapons class!" he shouted, as Naruto turned around and saw, wide-eyed, the giant shuriken flying back and lancing past him back into Mizuki's hand. The next thing, liquid fire coursed across his side and he fell panting to the ground, as he felt the wound erupt and his black suit get darker as blood spattered outwards, quickly forming a sickeningly wet stain.

'_I can't lose.'_ Naruto thought, abstractly, as Mizuki smirked and started spinning the giant blade again.

'_Not now, not like this, not when…'_ Naruto felt his throat clench, and his eyes stinged. But his body felt so weak, and blood gushed out so fast… _'Not when Iruka-sensei was killed by this bastard.'_

"If… If I can't do it with Kage Bunshin," Naruto whispered, almost too quietly to be heard.

"It's time," Mizuki proclaimed with a melodramatic flair. "Now, I shall break you, and bring the scroll to Orochimaru-sama." Readying himself, he drew himself back.

"Then," Naruto continued, almost to himself, one hand clutching the scroll, and completely ignoring Mizuki, "I'll do it… with Bunshin." In the space of a millisecond, red Chakra spread through his body, bursting through him.

"What in the world-"Mizuki gaped. A cold horror settled upon him.

"BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" the roar came, and thousands of clones appeared in the clearing, on every tree, crouched everywhere on the grass.

Mizuki's eyes bulged, as he saw the hordes of clones in the valley. "Wh-what..? It's… impossible… With Bunshin? They're not real, you fool!"

A Naruto smirked. "Is that so?" A kunai was thrown at him. Mizuki stood there, defiant, only to lose his bravado at the last minute and dodge.

The kunai sank into the ground, throwing grass up. Shock impacted upon him like a war-hammer on glass. Shaking, he reached down, to touch the grass. It was real.

The next thing he knew, the thousands of Narutos said with a fiery rage in their voice, "We'll make you _pay_ for what you did!" And then they flew at him, and his screams echoed in the forest as the sound of fists on flesh sounded again, and again, and again.

But after it was done, and the clones dissipated into smoke, Naruto grabbed the scroll that he had dropped so carelessly on the ground, and stumbled over to where Iruka was, and fell upon him, holding the teacher close and sobbing all the while.

* * *

Much later (or so it seemed, to Naruto) he woke up in the hospital, exhausted eyelids fluttering open only to see the blank white tiles in the ceiling.

Almost immediately, a shout came, closely followed by the pattering of feet, and Iruka appeared above his head. "Iruka… Iruka-sensei? You're alive?"

"Of course, you silly boy," Iruka smiled. "Why wouldn't I be? It was just minor cuts, nothing too deep. You, on the other hand…" Now, the tanned Chuunin frowned. "You had a deep slash in your side, your back, _and _you were suffering from Chakra depletion. Plus, why the heck did you listen to Mizuki in the first place? Didn't you realize that anything involving the Hokage's tower couldn't be proper?"

"I'm… I'm sorry, Iruka sensei." Naruto hung his head – as well as he could, anyway, from a prone position. "I thought… Mizuki told me, you know, and… I thought I failed…"

"I know. I heard what Mizuki said, when I was hiding for a while before coming in." Iruka's eyes hardened for a minute. "Don't worry about him. I've told the Hokage about the whole thing. In fact…"

Suddenly, the familiar, wrinkled face of the Hokage appeared. "Gramps!" Naruto exclaimed in surprise and pleasure. "What're you doing here?" Then his face darkened. "Hey, Gramps, I'm really sorry about the whole thing. I didn't mean to steal the scroll, really! Could I… I don't know, retake the test or something…?

"Well, I heard about the whole thing, and I couldn't just let my favorite student be in hospital without visiting him, now could I?" the Hokage winked. "I know about the scroll. I was hiding up there, you know, in the ceiling-"

"I saw that!" Naruto interrupted excitedly. "I could see the Chakra strands and all, it was really neat…"

"You… you could?" the Hokage said, his brow furrowing in thought. "Iruka-sensei, could you leave us for a moment?"

The teacher started to protest, then smiled resignedly at Naruto. "I guess I'll see you later, Naruto…"

"Nah, Gramps, why can't Iruka-sensei stay here?" Naruto quickly intervened, grinning. "After all, I trust him."

"No, it's okay, Naruto. I'll just wait outside and come in immediately after, okay?"

"I guess."

"Now that that's dealt with," the Hokage sighed. "Naruto, please think carefully. Have you ever seen any Chakra strands like that before?"

"Hmm… no, I don't _think _so…" Naruto pondered.

"Well, you see, one of my traps was activated – a trap that would detect any Jutsus upon a person and cancel it, so that Henge no Jutsu and things like that wouldn't work, near my Office..."

"So spies couldn't pretend to be Leaf-nins and things?" Naruto offered.

"Exactly!" the Hokage beamed happily at Naruto. "Did you have a Jutsu on at that time?"

"Yeah, the Bright Eyes technique." Naruto grinned. "Mizuki taught it to me, so I got _something _from the experience, at least." After a bit of pondering, Naruto decided not to say anything about the techniques he'd gotten from the Forbidden scroll – after all, if they didn't work (yet) he didn't really get anything from the scroll, right?

"Hmm, an interesting choice. Didn't it make your eyes tired, Naruto?" the Hokage asked.

"Nah, not really. I mean, when the trap hit, though, it _really really _hurt…"

"Yes, well… the trap was designed for normal Chakra, but… tell me, Naruto, how much do you know about the Kyuubi no Kitsune?"

-END-

A/N: Okay, super-fast update.

Now, why did he not know how to use Kage Bunshin no Jutsu? I think, for one, that it is unreasonable to expect him to be able to use Kage Bunshin when he couldn't use Bunshin in the first place – the manga is kinda strange -.- However, since he _did_ know Bunshin (and it created real clones) he coulda just used it.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: God, for cryin' out loud… yes, it doesn't follow the anime. If it did, what fanfiction would it be? Every bloody fanfiction would be the same… "Sarutobi got murdered by Orochimaru", "Sasuke defected"… The fact that I change things a bit more is simply my preference.

Bunshin is a Genjutsu? Hmm, didn't know that. For the purpose of this fanfiction though, Naruto doesn't know that. Yes, massive plot hole. Nothing to see here - move along, people.

Incidentally, though, treat it as if Naruto never actually understood what the Jutsu did. He was messin' around. If not- ARGH! Holy crap, the plot holes. I can't take it any more.

Okay, screw that. This, guys, as been a semi-crappy attempt at a Naruto fanfiction – my second. Hopefully, third times the charm. First was a terrible Mary-Sue, second – THE PLOT HOLES – third… wish me luck. I don't want to spend time trying to mend the screwed-ass thing. Watch for my next fanfiction to come out – I swear I'll try to make the updates longer, around 5000 words maybe? Last chapter, give me some reviews people ) Nah, but could you give me some opinions on like… what my next fanfiction should be?

Finally, I'm not going to be taking this down. For one, it serves as a shameful reminder (oh, bad SD! Terribly bad SD!) of my glaring plot holes - and two, it's like a morbid trophy saying: Silverdancer got 400 reviews once in his life! Though, lately, reviews have began to be of less import to me. It's just a sign that people like my story.

So. Goodbye, guys, and hope you enjoyed the trip.

Thankfully yours,

Silverdancer


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